Day Hundred and Thirty Seven

I was pleasantly surprised. Mind games are fun. Although, winning the battle means that I may have just lost the war.
Waiting games. Waiting for the next move on the chessboard. It really depends if my knight decides to arrive. And when I mean my knight, I mean my parcel.

Day Hundred and Thirty Six

I think I am happy. Content, even.

Day Hundred and Thirty Five

Feeling even better. Of course, this has nothing to do with the fact that
a) I finally managed to track down the most awesome book in the world (not before I made an ass of myself at every single bookshop in town).
b) His. haircut. is. awful. It helps when he doesn't look as nice as he usually does. Cue internal cringing at the short haircut. I laugh merrily.

Day Hundred and Thirty Four

I feel better about this arrangement. Of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Miss Clingfilm is now officially with someone else.

I'd just like to let the world know that I friggin called it THREE MONTHS ago.

Day Hundred and Thirty Three

Our friendship is defined. I was surprised, pleasantly. I guess that's the benefit of always expecting the worst. But I was still pissy. And it took me a whole day of mulling over it before I realised why I was still so irritated.

1. I dislike being friend-zoned.
2. It robbed me of something I was looking forward to (i.e. April). Because let's face it. A no touching rule (which is basically what this is) means that there's actually nothing we can do. Apart from watching stuff, eating out and playing band hero. Okay, fine, there's plenty to do. But it includes nothing that has me jumping up and down with anticipatory excitement. Also, no sleepovers. Which makes sense because of the no touching rule. I mean, it's not like we'd stay awake talking. And we do enough talking as it is. Even as a couple, we'd only talk for so long in bed before we slept. The only reason why you'd want to stay over is because you're going to get cuddled. Of course, cuddles and kisses are the perks of being in a relationship. And we're not. So really, just being able to keep candidness with each other is probably more than I could possibly hope for.

Unless of course, you know that friendship is such a shallow, shallow thing compared to the love you once shared.

Day Hundred and Thirty Two

The biggest regret in my life:

Not taking an eighth paper in my first year of university because I was too proud.
And so the grand result: I was one percent off getting into medicine.

I don't know if he counts as a regret. The question that begs to be asked is this:

Was knowing what it feels like to have been loved and to love worth this pain now?

Day Hundred and Thirty One

Feelings should disappear. And then we'd just fine. If I didn't still feel that way towards him, I could focus on the more important things in life.
It's odd. Everything that's happening around us, it just points towards the end of the age. And what am I worrying about? Stupid feelings. In the end, it's all just meaningless. Will I be able to carry these feelings to eternity? Probably not. Do I want to burn for eternity? Definitely not. So why, why is my brain still focusing on these somewhat trivial matters? Feelings are meaningless, especially ones that I know will come to no fruition.

But no. The human brain isn't wired in that logical way. We languish because a part of us just wants to sit, think and refuse to move on.

So where do we go? The line has been drawn. The only way is forward. The decision is mine regarding when I want to move my feet. Or do I wait until I am pushed? Or is it too late then?

Day Hundred and Thirty

Now that there's an answer, a line drawn, I don't know what to feel. Most of all, I just feel numb. And sadness. But there's almost a sense of relief because I've been waiting, fearing for this moment.

And it's here.

I've been wanting to draw the line, but I didn't have the strength to, couldn't bring myself to because I just wanted one last ...everything...
But now that it's here, where does that leave us? Am I just a friend? Or a close friend? What sort of friend am I?

And secondly, how much am I willing to give? Seeing as I can hardly be even bothered visiting friends if it causes an inconvenience to myself, let alone spending money to go to a different city. Anything I do stems from the fact that there's feelings at stake. And once you remove those feelings, I'm pretty sure I probably can't be bothered with all this effort.

Also, this means that he's trying to move on now. I haven't quite decided what I want to do. But it's becoming evident that if I don't get a move on, I will lose quite badly.
I just wish that there was one more chance to say goodbye. Because if I knew that would be the last time we'd ever let loose on those feelings, well.
Actually, I don't know. That goodbye was perfect. Better than the one a hundred and thirty days ago that was rushed and hasty. The timing of each thing was perfect, from the last hug, to those words that he said.

But I think I want one last kiss. Just so I know that it'll be my last one.

Day Hundred and Twenty Nine

What is just friendship?
What is not?
What are we?

Day Hundred and Twenty Eight

Russian roulette is fun
when you don't realise
that both the same guns
are aimed at your heart.

Day Hundred and Twenty Seven

But for now, I have other more pressing, albeit paranoia based, things to worry about.

Day Hundred and Twenty Six

A new week, more time to wait. And hope. Hope that when Saturday rolls around, it'll mean another conversation. Hope that I'll be here in April still and not up in Wellington.

Day Hundred and Twenty Five

Friendship or romance? Three hours talking and I have gotten to sleep for the first time in a week with a smile.

Day Hundred and Twenty Four

I should probably bet with myself that we don't end up having a conversation as we promised.

Day Hundred and Twenty Three

I feel extremely gratified.

Day Hundred and Twenty Two

Silence.

My silence.

Your silence. Of course, you once told me that your silence meant that you were busy.

Very true. And you have no obligation to gratify my feelings any more.

Day Hundred and Twenty One

Echoes follow my every footstep,
and ghosts of us where my eyes rest.
I see the lane where we held hands
remember, the warmth and a smile.
The grey skies above open a deluge,
a shared umbrella in the mist ahead.
A clatter of dishes and I suddenly feel
your arms wrapped around mine.
A lingering essence of you in the air,
then I realise that you're really not




here.

Day Hundred and Twenty

I don't know what I want out of these present circumstances. Self preservation calls for me to sever whatever we have left instead of waiting for him to call the shots. And yet, I cannot bring myself to do that. Not while the hope of getting one last kiss remains.

I can't tell what I mean to him any more. It frustrates me because it's hard to even go through one day and not tell him that I miss him. But I also wonder at the logic of seeing him again. Because clearly, it isn't wise to continue doing what we do. The last time I felt like this, it took me a week to find myself out of this hole. However, I'm not strong enough to say goodbye for one last time. And so until I do, I can't complain about being passive because that's what I'm doing. Just waiting because I don't have the guts to do something myself.

Day Hundred and Nineteen

It's so hard to wait. And yet at the same time, I disgust myself by my passiveness.

But my passiveness is a sign of what? A sign that I am terrified to contact him. Completely ill at ease, in case I offend him again. And I ask myself, what sort of a friendship is this?

Day Hundred and Eighteen

Sometimes I wonder if he understands what he's done. I understand my mistake. It was expecting more from him after he told me he still loved me.



It's exhausting pretending that I'm okay. The day starts out fine, I find ways to distract myself. But always, always when the light fades, so does my facade.

I suppose the question I really want to ask you right now is





Why would you want to hurt me?
I understand your point, but you didn't need to do it so cruelly.

Day Hundred and Seventeen

Love is patient, love is kind. He is neither. He also told me that he doesn't want to talk to me unless he wants to. He also gets agitated whenever I try and ask him about his life because it seems like everything I'm doing is probing or stalkerish, when really, I just want to know what's happening in his life, like any friend does. I admit that I am somewhat clingy. But this was the situation:
- we didn't talk for two days
- I wanted to talk just briefly over something funny that happened because I thought that he'd find it funny
- after the conversation (herein lies my mistake), I tried asking him what he was up to
- he didn't feel like talking and it felt like I was probing into his life too much
- I asked him why and he said he didn't know why but maybe because he didn't want to talk to me
- I said that I thought he didn't like structure i.e. he likes random conversations
- he said "yes... but only when it is me who is contacting you randomly".
- more arguing
- he said "screw this, I'm going to play games now"
- I cried but tried to say that he should go and have fun
- he wouldn't hang up because he was uncomfortable with the fact that I was crying
- I said "it's okay, it's not your duty to worry over my feelings any more."
- he said "laters" and hung up

If he truly, truly loved me still, would he keep me at an arm's length? And yeah, fine, he doesn't have the duty as my boyfriend to be concerned over my feelings, but any merciful human being who has made someone else cry would not just leave it at that.

I agree, we should talk less. But I find it insufferable almost that only HE has the right to talk to me. And only then, does he feel like talking. But oh no, if I want to talk to him, he doesn't want to talk because he doesn't feel like it. And what else would he be doing anyway? Oh, that's right. Playing games.
I treat every single phone call as a gift because I like talking to him. I didn't know that it was a chore for him.

Why did you even tell me that you loved me still? Sometimes I wonder if you know what love means.

Day Hundred and Sixteen

You are right, you always are. I should start to talk to you less.

And I'm sorry.

But a decent human being wouldn't hang up, knowing that the person on the other side was crying still.

Day Hundred and Fifteen

Be strong and patient. Of course, this could all backfire on me quite badly... that is, if he discovers that he likes my silence.

I've figured out that I need to overcome the feeling of him being perfect (for me). Saying is easier than doing. So here's a list of why he ISN'T perfect:
- he's not a Christian
- he compartmentalises his emotions
- he talks to far too many girls for my liking
- when we fight, he fights by bringing up everything that he dislikes about me and throws it in my face
- I can't trust him entirely because I know he's capable of cheating
- spending more time with me (unless convenient) is a hassle
- he always thinks he's right
- every time we fight, I back down, not necessarily because I agree at first (eventually I end up seeing from his point of view because it makes me fold), but because he's good at playing hard ball and I always lose because I care more
- apparently not replying isn't bad manners

Unfortunately, I can think of plenty more reasons why I fell for him in the first place. And they come easier too.

Day Hundred and Fourteen

Today I learnt that regardless of the feelings shared by both parties, you can never ever disclose them unless it is an emotional moment, such as a farewell. And it makes sense.
But now I have to learn to stop corralling him in. Half of me thinks that he's right in that, I have no right to do that. Even during our relationship, he frequently accused me of doing that.
The other half of me wishes that he'd feel that separation makes suffocation better than the alternative of not hearing from me at all.
I should also stop treating him differently. But when I asked him if he treated me differently, he said that he did.
And also, I should stop over-analysing because apparently not every single girl over-analyses. But I swear, every girl over-analyses. Oh, wait, except for that empty headed flirt who lives with him. How on earth am I supposed to not over-analyse that choice of girl when I asked him to provide an example of someone who doesn't over-analyse?

Bottom line: as a friend, I don't think I'd make the effort to see him. Because Janus doesn't live within us, and I can't treat him like my best friend and my ex at the same time. And so, unfortunately, he just becomes a friend. And one that lives in a different city. Seeing as I cannot be bothered even walking across the city forty minutes to visit a guy friend, how am I supposed to gather the motivation to visit just another guy friend, a five hour drive away?
I'm surprised he hasn't come to that conclusion himself seeing as he prides himself on his own insight.

Day Hundred and Twelve and Hundred and Thirteen

Destroy me, love
tear me from within.
Ambition gone after
you took my heart.

The hardest part is fighting yourself. Rationality dictates that you should start to move on, but your heart just wants to hold onto every single happy memory that you have, in hopes that one day, he may turn around and be the one.

Day Hundred and Eleven

I miss you... it's so long until I see you again.

Day Hundred and Ten

Also another thing... I don't have anything to look forward to. No weekends, no evenings. Spare time is just plain awful.

Day Hundred and Nine

I clearly did not foresee that boredom maybe the critical factor.

... my goodness, I have so much spare time, I don't actually know what to do with myself. Online shopping and computer games against AI are only entertaining for so long...

Day Hundred and Seven AND Hundred and Eight

Remember this when you're down and you are reading waaay too much into his silence when really, he's just busy.
a) he still loves you ("I don't like you either").
b) and it feels like he'll keep on feeling that way forever