Day Fifteen

When you are no longer going out, one must realise that you are no longer a priority in his life.
One must also realise that he will not remember any significant events even if you remember all of his.
One must also realise that he will not seek you out and talk to you.
One must also realise that he will not reply to your messages.
One must realise that one must learn how to cope on your own.

Day Fourteen

Why is breaking up so hard?
Correction: why is breaking up while you still love each other so hard?
That in itself, is a rhetorical question and yet, I would still like the answer. I think the only reason why I'm dealing so far is because we're still talking every day. It helps but it doesn't remove the pain. Of course nothing does. The only cure would be catching the next flight back.

Or moving on. I'm not ready for that just yet.

Day Twelve and Thirteen

You popped the bubble.
I'm not okay
and life just drags me along.

Day Eleven

I am confused. There was a verbal preposition by him to "maybe play a computer game" later last night. So I waited around for a few hours online and he did not appear online. Finally too tired, I texted him saying that I was sorry, but I was simply too tired to stay awake. I wasn't mad or upset at him for not telling me not to wait up. The next morning, I get a text from him saying that he got held up... and then the text finished with "my bad".

My bad. What on earth am I supposed to take away from that? I was not mad that he didn't end up playing that computer game with me. Nor was I mad that he didn't tell me earlier not to wait up for him. The word 'maybe' is not binding. Nor do I have any expectations from him and so, he hasn't done anything wrong. So why end it with 'my bad'? If you were sorry, why didn't you say so instead? If you weren't sorry, why add 'my bad'? What the fuck is meant by 'my bad'? And why didn't you just finish with a 'goodnight' like you used to?

Day Nine and Ten

I don't know if I'm feeling better because I'm talking to him every day. I've finally been able to open up my iTunes without fear of hearing songs that may trigger sadness, although High School Musical and Backstreet Boys might do it, regardless of my efforts.
I thought this was appropriate:

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands

Well, no more,
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd maybe stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Someday, say it's coming soon
Someday, without you
All I can do
Is to get me pass the ghost of you
Wave goodbye to me
Won't say I'm sorry
I'll be alright
Once I find the other side of someday

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

- Sara Bareilles 'Gonna Get Over You'

Day Eight

I still feel sad sometimes and check my phone too frequently for it to be healthy, but I think I'm slowly recovering. Sometimes I just don't want to recover because it means I'll forget. And I don't think that would be fair because being with him was possibly the best two years of my life so far. So a small dose of sadness is still reasonable. It'll be a long journey, but this marks one small step. I know that I'm going to be sad again, but I'll take whatever small victory I can get.

Day Seven

You know how some people are just so damn happy that they get on your nerves every time you see them? I can now see why they attract instant irritation. Especially when you feel like shit.
Except, today's shit isn't as bad as how I've felt for the past few mornings. I don't know if it's because I'm just so sleepy from watching Grey's Anatomy till 2:30am or because I am possibly starting to climb out of this pit of self-pity. Oh look, a pun.
Actually, I think I know why now. Damn. I don't think I'm climbing out any time soon.

Day Six

Funny how fast the anger fades when you think about things logically. Similarly, it's almost funny how anger always fades back into sadness. Not being his girlfriend means that I no longer have a right to expect that he will reply to every single thing that I send him, that he will not always talk to me every day, that he will not talk to me when I see him online. It's almost ironic. When we were going out, I would never reply, never care if he didn't. And now it seems almost the opposite; because now I am just hanging on for any sign from him.

I am ashamed to say that I hope that he is as sad as I am. Definitely selfish. But it reassures me also because otherwise I am left to believe that even after two years, I am now nothing to him. And for that, I am sorry.

Day Five

You know the stages of grieving and acceptance? I wonder where I am at now. Possibly somewhere between denial and grief. Possibly with a touch of anger. One thing I know for certain: time is just slowly dragging me along. It feels odd not having a single thing to look forward to. Or anything that makes you want to delay time. I can't look forward any more to the start of a new year, but I'm not dreading anything either because the worst has already happened.
I can't stop hoping, but I have to admit to myself that he's already gone, most likely forever. I don't know why I still feel the urge to talk to him every single night. Old habits die hard, I guess. It just annoys me because it feels like I'm the only one who sits waiting, dying almost, to hear a scrap from him. Unhealthy, yes. Desperate? Also an affirmative. But I don't want to keep on initiating.

I am just so fucking pathetic.

Day Four

Much of the same horrible feeling when I wake up. I think that I am slowly coming to the realisation that we have broken up. I want to continue hoping that one day we'll get back together again, but you seem pretty steadfast on getting over me instead. A dull ache fills me for most of the day which then gets sharp when I see things that remind me of you; a rubik's cube, kittens, steak on the menu.
I feel an overwhelming urge to talk to you, but it already feels like barriers and boundaries have already been set in place between us. I wouldn't call it awkwardness. Just some sort of unsaid law that stops us from saying what we really want to say to each other. So I'll say those words now: Three words, eight letters, followed naturally by I still miss you.

Day Three

The times that are the worst are when I wake up and right before I sleep. For now, I've stopped sobbing at random times during the day and the pain that was once really sharp is now slowly becoming a dull ache in my chest. It's like I have a hollow in my heart where you used to be that is just slowly healing.
I can't stop referring to you as my boyfriend in my brain, which clearly needs re-wiring. Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way too. I just wish that I meant enough to you to consider an alternative, although I have no right to demand that of you. For now, I just miss you.

Day Two

You said to stop hoping.
I can't because hope is the only thing that is stopping me from collapsing into a spiral of despair. Every morning I wake up and all I feel is an empty hollowness where you used to be. Please don't blame me for trying to delay the knowledge that you are gone forever.

Day One

It's only been a few hours since I last saw you and we said goodbye to each other but I haven't stopped crying since this morning. Grief is a funny thing; you cry and feel like you just want to curl up into the foetal position. Then you go through a convalesence period, when you feel like you just don't have any more tears left and all the feeling you have left is a cold numbness. Then when you see something that triggers a memory, you start to cry again.
I feel so alone and isolated without you, knowing that I can't just call you and tell you everything that is on my mind. I can't even eat a meal without crying because I remember the way you divide up your meal into portions and eat each fraction slowly.
Part of me still thinks that when I come back next year that you'll be there to greet me. But then I remember that you're actually gone forever and you'll never look at me that way again.
I just want to come back and have you hold me together because it feels like every part of me has shattered and I can't find the pieces any more.

Eleven days

I'm sorry brain for thinking so much;
I'm sorry stomach for all the butterflies.
I'm sorry pillow for all those tears I cried;
I'm sorry heart for making you break.

But curse his cold heart and unfeeling ways.