Day Hundred and Sixty Seven

I sit and wait, hoping that you'll talk to me. But it's funny. As a friend and not a lover, you don't have the obligation to worry about my feelings. You aren't required to talk to me or care about my life. Truth be told, I like it when I don't have to worry about being swamped with instant chat messages with friends. This is why I appear offline to everyone.
Everyone. But you. And it's stupid... because half the time, you meander on about singing and to be honest, I really don't give a crap. But I sit through it... because those words are from your mouth.

I want to know, what do you feel? Do you even think of me? Do you miss me? Do you have moments where things remind you of me so much, that it feels like something is stabbing you? Because I want brilliance. And fireworks. I want to be a shooting star in someone's life. I want someone who loves me because I'm me, not a love of convenience.

Day Hundred and Sixty Six

Close enough to start a war,
All that I have is on the floor,
God only knows what we're fighting for,
All that I say, you always say more,

I can't keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can't breathe,

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I cant give you the heart you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
To turning tables,

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh,
Where love is lost, your ghost is found,
I braved a hundred storms to leave you,
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down,

I can't keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can't breathe,

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I cant give you the heart you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
Turning tables,

Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
When the thunder calls for me,
Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
Standing on my own two feet,

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
To turning tables,
Turning tables, yeah,
Turning, yeah, ooh.

- 'Turning Tables', Adele








I can't. Where is the strength I seek to finish this before it finishes me? Night falls, and I feel myself slipping away. Dawn comes and I dream that he's already moved on.
I know that this feeling will pass. The question is when.

Day Hundred and Sixty Five

I know that loving is not synonymous with liking. But somehow, it feels like there's a bigger void, a stronger ache. I suppose in a way, we hadn't really broken up emotionally. But I guess you could say that we're actually fully broken up now.

I wonder if it was a good thing that I managed to coax it out of him. Because on one hand, it helps me to move on. But on the other hand, I have to deal with the inevitable withdrawal period that occurs after every time I see him, with this added burden.
Was it better to hear it from him in person though? I think so. At least I didn't have to find out through some other way and at least I wasn't led on... because his actions this trip conveyed otherwise.

And what have I learnt? That I should learn from the last visit and not crowd him in. In a way, I feel that I now have even less reason to approach him because I don't know what he feels.

because... you know you said forever...
...still i am passing through
- 'Too Late For Lovers', Gin Wigmore

Day Hundred and Sixty Four

It's been such an odd weekend, emotionally. I arrived last night, tired, depressed and very, very late. So the first thing I did was cry. I was just so, so upset. And I forgot how comforting it is to have someone just hold you while you cry, to have someone kiss away those tears.
I didn't say what was on my mind, but he decided to stay over after all. So we went out to karaoke, held hands on the street and up to the karaoke bar.
After that, we came back and I was cuddled to sleep.

I like being spooned to sleep.

The next morning, we slept in and then went to brunch. Shared lunch and came back to the flat. And then the conversation went like this:
"Tell me what you feel"
"No"
-further coaxing-
"I need to know, just so I know if I need to move. So do I need to move?"
Silence.
"Yes"

So there we have it... there are no more rose coloured glasses now. Even though he still likes me, it feels like this is it. Of course, there is the fact that we went through half our relationship with him not loving me.
I know that this is supposed to happen... we're meant to slowly drift apart. But now that it's starting to happen, I feel so empty, even though I have to admit, that at times over these last few weeks, I have started to feel the same too. Until last night.

It's funny... when you say 'I love you', you think it'll last forever. Forever just doesn't exist.

Day Hundred and Sixty Three

And just like that, you steal the wind from beneath my wings.

I understand, honestly, I do. I'm not grumpy with it at all because he is your brother and family is more important.
But you need to stop springing surprises like this on me... although I was being presumptuous by presuming that you were going to stay with me tonight.

I need to keep reminding myself that you're not my boyfriend any more, as much as you act like one. It's like a drug high... just a little dose is enough to get me hooked again, even though I know that as soon as you leave, it feels like I go into withdrawal. And it's that high that keeps me hooked, as fleeting as it may be.

Day Hundred and Sixty Two

I said goodbye this morning... and I already miss him, even though I know I'll see him tomorrow. But tomorrow is so long to wait.

sdfjlfdslkj I felt so ambivalent about this a few days ago. And now, we're just back to square one. Also, another note that should be made is the fact that he made me physically weak at the knees. When I read that term in a novel, I scoffed.

Ladies and gentlemen, the phenomenon is R E A L.

- - -

I have officially lost the plot. Why why why did you have to make me fall for you... twice as hard again?!

Day Hundred and Fifty Nine, Sixty AND Sixty One

He bought me dinner. And initiated holding my hand down the street.

Humm....

Day Hundred and Fifty Eight

Only Sunday will reveal the truth.

Day Hundred and Fifty Seven

Up and down.
:)


:(

Day Hundred and Fifty Six

My heart is weighted to you and like an anchor, you pull me down without fail.

Day Hundred and Fifty Five

Vampire Weekend is pure win. Also, I feel so blase right now, it's a relief for my overtaxed heart.

Day Hundred and Fifty Four

Lead me on, why don't you?
Smile with that knife behind,
'cause I know you're gonna
stab me through when I turn.

Liar, liar, your quickfire tongue,
you should've never told me
that you were still in love.

Push my buttons, like a machine
and I'll give you what you need.
All your friends are here now,
so just take your candy and leave.

Liar, liar, your quickfire tongue
you should've never told me
that you were still in love.

Hold my strings like a puppet,
but wait, my legs suddenly bow.
You've cut my strings through,
and I can't dance to your tune.

Liar, liar, your quickfire tongue
you should've never told me
that you were still in love.

Dangle your fisherman's hook,
because you ensnare me
with those pretty words.
Oh, stupid heart you were
such a fool.

Day Hundred and Fifty Three

I feel like a vending machine. For his convenience.

When will I have the strength to draw the line? To finally say no and to stop talking? Because I honestly think that in order to get over each other, we need to stop talking.
To me, I can't sit here, ready at his whim for when he feels like he can cross the invisible line of friendship. I can't sit here and let my hopes build because inevitably, he crushes them. And I get upset and hate myself because I have no one but myself to blame.
At the same time, I can't force him to make a decision. I can't cage him in because that's what he hates. I also can't expect anything from him because there IS no way forward in this relationship. The most logical step is to simply move on.

But I can't. Not when I know that once I draw the line, there will be no more crossing. So where is the strength? The strength that comes with knowing that I deserve someone loving me wholly, loving me without crushing me at the same time... someone who will put me ahead of everything, even if it means searching out a new faith in order to keep me?

Day Hundred and Fifty Two

Two things I must do:

1. Expect nothing
2. Get over him

Day Hundred and Fifty and Hundred and Fifty One

Tick tock. Tick tock.

What will the cat bring in this time?

Day Hundred and Forty Nine

My brain (heart) has turned to mush. I hate uncertainity, both in regards to my future and in regards to him.

Day Hundred and Forty Eight

The stress of interviews has gotten to me. Thank goodness there's two more weeks for me to prepare.

Day Hundred and Forty Seven

Cross these lines.
You warm me
momentarily.
Regret drawing
out that white line,
and profess love.
But if you want me,
stop playing these
games with my
heart.

Day Hundred and Forty Six

Spend a day hoping.
Waste a day.
To what end is there to this?
Where was your courage to crush me yourself?
No, there was no point in waiting for your word.

Rationality.
Sweet rationality.
I wish you were here this morning
to weigh down every happy thought.
Because only fools rest their dreams on hope.

Sweet heart. You were such a fool.

Day Hundred and Forty Five

Let's waste time, chasing cars.
On our own.

I feel pensive. I think I know why.

Day Hundred and Forty Four

All I can think of today is the fact that I failed TWICE on bidding for items on Trademe. I disgust myself.

Oh, and the fact that I like having such awesome friends. That is all.

Day Hundred and Forty Three

I have an interview for one of the hospitals. This requires me to fly up to Wellington. And yet, despite this being something that I really, really want, I find myself rearranging my flights in order to catch him while he is Dunedin.

Ah. Make what you will of it.

Day Hundred and Forty One and Forty Two

Reasons why I like being single:
- Instead of using my money on food (I used to spend a prodigious amount... possibly because we liked to eat well as a couple) every weekend, I can now invest in a lovely new wardrobe. I just acquired the most awesome new coat.
- I don't have to share my coffees any more. I like eating ALL the foam off the top of my coffee. The same goes for bubble teas.
- I like being able to study more. I forgot the thrill of getting full marks. It's a spine tingling one. The dux is back.

Day Hundred and Forty

The blossom of friendship. I am happy with the way things are at the moment. Does it stay like this or does it eventually bloom into something else more real?
Alternatively, does it wither away with time?

Day Hundred and Thirty Nine

I am happy. Double rainbows. Double happiness.
1. The other flirt has a significant other. I am all glee.
2. A ten minute talk turned into a three hour discussion (and a line crossing). Funfun.

Day Hundred and Thirty Eight

I feel strangely apathetic to it all. Then again, I usually have that blase attitude to life when I'm in the shower.