My year in retrospect...

It began and I really didn't have great expectations for it, probably because I had just had my heart broken.
I didn't really look forward to anything. But it turned out that I had some pretty awesome friends who I really came to know and love. Those nights staying up finishing that damned elective project - I'm really going to cherish, even though I probably didn't look it at the time.
I also discovered my love for coffee and cinnamon pinwheels, cheesecake and Modaks pizza. And clothes. Oh, countless amounts of clothes.
I had my ego battered and torn, and sank into a hole when it came to finding a job post graduation. I had to trust God on that one. Still have to.
Broke my Achilles... that probably complicated the year the most. Still does. But looking back, I am so glad that it happened... it let me see how much my family cares for me. And most importantly, I got to spend a month with someone who truly friggin loves me and now, we can maaaaybe, just maybe, start planning our future together. And that's probably the best present that 2011 has given me.

Now I know why I dislike going home: it's the whole array of activities that must proceed like clockwork. Oh, and having my meals planned out for me. That sucks too. Don't get me wrong - I like being at home. But it's just so different from the freedom that I have when I'm in my own flat.

Oh, and E's company. The lack of it sucks too. It sucks so much that I even miss him calling me ridiculous pet names.

I just heard the first cicada of summer. Funny, I thought that it was far too south (and icy) for any cicadas to live here.

Life is up in the air with this injury. I just want to start work like the rest of my classmates, lest I fall behind. Sometimes, I wonder if I should've just applied straight away instead of completing my intern year.

I've managed to move the largest pieces of my furniture to the new flat, so at least that's one weight off my chest. Just some random odds and ends to do, which of course, is complicated by the fact that I'm still using them.

- clean flat before 31st Dec (i.e. wipe down kitchen and bathroom sinks and benches)
- pack remaining things, e.g. bowls and cups, laundry lines, linen and pillows
- pack for home
- find someplace to store items until return

Also, this relocation business is just a pain because I want to internet shop and I don't know where I'm going to be in a few weeks so I can't buy things because I don't know what delivery address to use :(

Bichon crosses are the way to go. They are hands down, the most adorable looking dogs ever.

Also, strawberries and cream atop my cake? Pure win. Now to make mum's friend a cake too. If I can't eat carbs, I might as well bake for other people.

(note to self: that cake recipe that is present on my blog is possibly the best chocolate recipe ever. It was easy and the results were friggin amazing).

Oh, my goodness. I am SUCH an idiot. Who on EARTH tries to make icing with WHITE SUGAR?!

note to self: cut snowflakes from paper and join up three to four in a row and suspend from ceiling

http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/33/Peanut_Butter_Frosting52823.shtml

plus peanut butter icing

Cake recipe (from http://allrecipes.com/recipe/one-bowl-chocolate-cake-iii/detail.aspx)

Ingredients

• 2 cups white sugar
• 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 eggs
• 1 cup milk
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup boiling water

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour two nine inch round pans.
2. In a large bowl, stir together the sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add the eggs, milk, oil and vanilla, mix for 2 minutes on medium speed of mixer. Stir in the boiling water last. Batter will be thin. Pour evenly into the prepared pans.
3. Bake 30 to 35 minutes in the preheated oven, until the cake tests done with a toothpick. Cool in the pans for 10 minutes, then remove to a wire rack to cool completely

note to older self: the cat is going to be called Mr Bigglesworth and Pudge. And if we have a third cat, it is called Zazzles.

further note to self: if the cat is ginger, it has to be called Mr Bigglesworth in memory of Mr Bingley.

After graduation, I let my friend graffiti it. But now I highly doubt that what she's done is considered as graffiti. Impressive, non?

The back is also quite cool - she's drawn the muscles in as well.

p.s. Finally got my hands on Bic Runga's newest album. Well worth my $20.

note to myself: when I get better, must try this recipe - http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/apricot-blondies

further note to oneself: fairy lights in jars.

I just cut myself some paper snowflakes. I thought it was both whimsical and able to save me from boredom.

Although weirdly enough, when one of my flatmates came back today, it took me an hour before I felt comfortable enough to leave my room because I was so used to being alone. And now that they're back, I don't know how I managed to stay sane for so long whilst being alone. Well, I've only been completely alone for three days seeing as E. was with me most of the time last week.

I hope it's not hot on Saturday (i.e. the day of graduation). My robes are so heavy and long... I'd probably overheat. And trip.

Also, I would rage here. But I know this blog is read. And as much as I would like to lambaste this individual, I shall refrain from doing so. I don't know why the handicapped don't rage. Because it's only been two weeks and I fucking want to yell at people already. Well, the person who I seem to end up releasing all my anger on is my mother and she really doesn't deserve it. There have been some people who without them, I probably would've self combusted by now. I love them so much and I don't know how on earth I'm ever going to thank them.

And then there are others who I just want to give a kick up their uptight arses.

p.s. there is a NEVER ENDING list of people who I can't even begin to thank. I should not let the fact that ONE person decided to be a dick irritate the crap out of me.

Currently as poor as a church mouse due to the fact that I can't work. This sucks because today I found a lovely pleated maxi dress that I would like to call my own.

Also, it is a beautiful day today and I smell. This sucks because I can't shower properly on the account of my plaster of paris cast falling to pieces.

Also, my flat now smells of burnt brownie. And I am full.

Also, I would like to have money so I can buy Bic Runga's newest album.

Note to self: homemade snow globes as presents/decorations. I cannot wait until I can walk around so I can make some.

http://www.cambio.com/2011/11/28/taylor-swift-christmas-snow-globes/

I also hope that by the time I get better, some things will also have changed. It's odd to think that it took a broken Achilles to get a confession. And if this broken Achilles leads to something else, then I will happily thank God every day that He allowed it to break.

The lyrics of Bruno Mars's song "It will Rain" are hauntingly prophetic.

It seems that along with a broken Achilles tendon, I will need to nurse myself a broken heart. So here goes, I suppose.

Another 365 days of journal entries, each day to signify how much I'll miss you... when you finally decide to leave me.

This time, probably for good.

I really don't know if I can go through what I went through a year ago. And I don't really want to either.

I'm sorry that I have to leave you. But I'm so sorry that you won't give that 0.1% a chance because I was willing to take you on those odds.

Year 2: Day Three

Sooo let's skip a few blog entries back to where I was ranting about dentists. Let me rant again: remember how I asked my dentist when I should worry about my wisdom teeth and she said that "this isn't the first priority"?

Well, dentist. You happen to suck.

Last night I went to sleep with a slightly swollen gum and woke up two hours later, unable to close my jaws because my gum was that swollen. E. had a look and thought my wisdom teeth were coming in but that amount of inflammation was generally not normal. After some dicing around, we both decided to go to the ED. At 3am.

Let me just digress by saying how much I love the ED at Dunedin Hospital... especially at night. At night there are no wailing babies/unruly children/you get the hint. This makes for rapid and efficient service.

Anyway, so I go present myself at the ED for the second time and got hit by a major sense of deja vu from last time when E. drove me to the ED for suspected appendicitis at 5am. They even put me in the same room as last time. I admit, I had a sense of cynicism about how much doctors could do about my swollen gum... because last time I checked, this was probably a job for a dentist. I was pretty much expecting a doctor to look briefly into my mouth and send me home with some ibuprofen. Mind you, I had considered taking some ibuprofen but decided I couldn't on the account that I couldn't take it with food seeing as I had lost the ability to chew.

I was pleasantly surprised. The doctor who saw me was a maxillo-facial in training. He was also kinda cute. But I didn't mention this to E., who was at this point, looking like he wanted to fall asleep on his feet. Said doctor was also humming under his breath, which made me conclude that he was slightly loopy. Or sleep deprived. He had a peep and said that yes, my wisdom teeth were coming through but a bit of my gum was trapped, causing a bit (or in my case, a lot) of inflammation. He sent me home to sleep and told me to come back in the morning to see the dentist.

Next morning, I turned up at the ED to see the hospital dentist. Slightly miffed that I had to wait an hour, but I'm not complaining because

a) it was still at the ED and my gum issues were definitely not life threatening

b) free dental care. I swear, if I had gone to see a dentist, I probably would've been charged at least $100

c) if I had gone to get my script dispensed from a private dentist, the code would've been A3... i.e. NON FRIGGIN SUBSIDISED. And I'm definitely not paying full price for my meds

d) it was a Saturday... and lazy arse private dentists are not open for business on a Saturday

Friendly hospital dentist came and got me, numbed me up and then proceeded to clear out all the pus trapped in my gum. Oh, voila. I could finally close my jaw. And best thing: IT WAS FREE. I was almost tempted to ask her to pull out the damn tooth while she was at it.

So dear dentist back at home: I would like to come back and tell you that yes, MY DAMN WISDOM TOOTH WAS AN IMMINENT PROBLEM.

But if I made an appointment to tell you, it'd probably cost me another $100 or so.

Also, I've decided that marrying a doctor isn't good enough any more, especially since my gums are being dicks. I would like to marry a maxillo-facial surgeon.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Six

Exactly one year ago, I was probably sobbing uncontrollably in my room.

Tomorrow, I will be returning back. We've gone around one full circle. And while that is comforting, it's distressing in a way that we haven't moved anywhere.

It struck me that if I could've travelled forward one year exactly this time last year, I would've been surprised. Nothing has changed. We are neither one step closer or one step further. We are on a ledge in time, waiting for the ice to melt because neither of us will step aside.

And so we must wait.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Five

A year ago, I was poised to say goodbye to the person who I loved, my best friend and confidante. How have things changed?

... nothing really. Except that I have a degree, good grades that will hopefully one day help me to be where I want to be, a great closet of clothes and good friends.

... I learned that he wasn't exactly the most trustworthy person.

... but I also found out how much he love(s) me still.

So really, we are an impasse. Where is there to go?

FOR THOSE READERS FROM FICTIONPRESS

AN ENDING IS IN SIGHT FOR 'DECEIVING IMPRESSIONS'.

I am writing it as we speak. I hope to have the last remaining chapters for you out soon :)

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Four

In all seriousness, who the hell flosses regularly? Well apparently, because of my lack of attention towards this, my gums are wrecked. To quote the dentist "I don't normally see this sort of bone (note: NOT tooth) decay in someone until they're in their forties". FORTIES!

I brush my teeth twice a day and floss... on the odd occasion. My last dental visit in the last year did not echo such ramifications as the ones insinuated by the dentist today (also, she looked somewhat snarky because she looked like she couldn't believe that a health professional could have such awful gums).

W H A T I S T H I S?

rageragerageragerage. So she refused to do anything to my teeth and bundled me off to a peridontal specialist.

Oh, and also the wisdom tooth on my bottom jaw will need to be addressed at some point. But "this is not the main concern".

But seriously, I am pretty sure I am NOT the only person in the entire world who doesn't floss regularly. Why the fuck are my gums wrecked then? And I'm pretty sure that this couldn't have happened over one year... which begs the question: why the hell didn't my previous dentist notify me of this?

And my mother will gleefully tell me "I told you so." For the countless times that she's told me to floss.

You know, at the rate things are going, exam results are probably going to come out and they're gonna be shitty. i.e. not an A+. dfslkjsfdlkjsdfkjsdflkj

postscript: marks came out. and I OWNED. the end. heheheheheheheh cackley cackle cackley. helloooo post graduate med (I hope).

Day Three Hundred and Sixty

Back at home. It feels like too short a stay. But at the same time, I'm excited to be returning to Dunedin.

Day Three Hundred and Fifty Two

In Christchurch and the start of our road trip :)

Kinda miss Dunedin at the moment though...

Day Three Hundred and Forty Seven

Bachelor of Pharmacy = F I N

Orals went a little bit crappier than I wanted, but hey, I'm done.

And I get to see him tomorrow!!! :) :) :) :) :) (he managed to sign his contract early so he's free!)

n.b. never wear red lipstick unless you want to be hit on. continually. true story.

Day Three Hundred and Forty Six

I am less than 24 hours away from finishing my Pharmacy (and hopefully, first) degree...

sdfkjdskjldsfkjldsflkj

Day Three Hundred and Forty Five

One more one more one more!

Day Three Hundred and Forty Four

I am raging right now. Just found a veritable cache of gold... two exams too late.

sdfkjsfdlksfdlkjsfdkjlsfdkj

Raging!!

Day Three Hundred and Forty Two AND Forty Three

ALL BLACKS, YOU BEAUTIES!

Day Three Hundred and Forty Two

Motivation, where art thou?

Day Three Hundred and Forty One

I think I semi-owned that exam. Not total ownage... but enough to get me at least a high A to A+. My hand aches and it got incredibly veiny from the amount of writing I was doing.

I think I swallowed some of my hair when I was trimming my fringe. And now it pokes the back of my throat when I swallow.

Day Three Hundred and Forty

Law was piss easy. In fact, I wish I hadn't reserved two days studying for it. Well, granted that if you were to add up all the hours that I spent over those two days actually studying, you'd probably get an aggregate of... four hours or so.

Partial agonist, you are mine;

you come when I'm unhappy,

and leave when I'm content.

I suppose you could have been

a dose of haloperidol to knock

madness out of me completely.

But then I'd end up a shaking

wreck of myself once more,

no better that I was before.

(well, aripiprazole is a partial agonist for dopamine receptors and does just that... except, I thought this metaphor could be extended).

postscript: remember that big fat ugly beast of an elective project? IT'S GOING TO BE PUBLISHED.

P U B L I S H E D! xx

oh, one day if you have the need to look up some paper on social pharmacy, you can google my name on pubmed/ovid... and come up with a journal article. with my name on it. squeeeee

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Seven AND Thirty Eight

I am being massively distracted by the All Blacks.

Also, it's been raining non stop since the morning. Funsies.

The colour's disappeared from my view,

when you took it all away with you.

I sit and watch as the skies above turn to grey,

the vibrant tones of the world washed away.

So I'll just sit and ask you once more.

Look back towards me, turn around please,

all I ask is for you to think before you leave.

............................................................................. procrastination at its best. sfdljksdflkjsfd now back to law.

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Five AND Thirty Six

I am staring outside my window...

... and I can see a pair of legs dangling outside my neighbour's window.

It's such a beautiful day - a shame that I am stuck inside studying. Well, I suppose if I had no exams, I'd still be inside. Probably baking or something.

Progress is going swimmingly. I'm one lecture and three workshops away from finishing my entire run through of this semester's material. Of course, it remains to be seen whether or not I've retained any of it.

Also FYI health sciences admission lady: if you did look through my transcript as you claimed to have done so, you will note that my weighted GPA is sitting around 7.9... with potential to move up to 8.00.

so... screw you.

p.s. ALL BLACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Four

... I am at a disadvantage because of my pharmacy degree for post graduate entry.

Well, this blows.

First of all: my degree is harder to do well in compared to your normal run-of-the-mill BSc

Secondly: my degree owns BScs in terms of usefulness and relevance

Thirdly: If the admissions lady is telling me to look for a back up plan when she is looking at one of the top ten students in pharmacy, well, that just sucks now, doesn't it.

sfdlsfdlkjsfdkjlsfdlkjdsfkj

Also, I got so sick of Firefox crashing on me that I have now switched to Chrome. What I dislike about Chrome is that it tracks my every single move and so the next person to open Chrome will be able to see my recently closed pages... and thus, know who I have been stalking. I still have to work out how to go incognito.

Finally, exam study is going shit. Nothing is going into my head, even though my room is covered in pieces of paper with various names and mechanisms of drugs scribbled on them.

Things I would like to do in the summer:

- go to Tunnel Beach

- eat out lots

- watch a lot of Backstreet Boys music videos

Day Three Hundred and Twenty

myeyesarebleeding.

aaaarghelectiveelectiveelective

Day Three Hundred and Nineteen

Enter: the busiest period in my entire undergraduate degree.

(need I mention, the stakes are high?)

Day Three Hundred and Eighteen

I can't concentrate :/

I hate you, Facebook.

Day Three Hundred and Seventeen

Now I know why I didn't miss my period when it didn't come for 81 days.

crampitycrampitycrampity.

Day Three Hundred and Sixteen

Today we had a consultant who came to lecture us. This lecturer was the kind who liked to have slides with questions on them.

Needless to say, the attending pharmacy lecturer was deeply embarrassed by our lack of knowledge.

Day Three Hundred and Fifteen

Dear Daylight Saving,

Kinda needed that one hour, eh.

Much love,
Me.

Day Three Hundred and Fourteen

I shouldn't need to convince myself.

Day Three Hundred and Thirteen

I am not looking forward to this weekend of work...

Day Three Hundred and Twelve

Bronzer and foundation is AWFUL to get off. I don't know how made up peroxide blondes wear so much make up on a regular basis.
Also, put orange paint on top of that, and it's just gross.

I am so tireddddddd... and I don't want to be stressed about work. But there's so much to do, and yet, so little time.

sfdkjdfslk also I don't want to resit UMAT. I always thought I wasn't particularly logical... here is the proof lol. I am amused... but at the same time, it's just a pain in the arse... Who the hell gets in the 86th and 97th percentile in the first two sections and then completely and utterly flunks the last section that Asians are supposedly good at? Me, apparently.

Also, the new Facebook layout is
a) not particularly aesthetically pleasing
b) kind of confusing to use
c) slightly stalkerish with a running feed of EVERYONE'S current activity
... it might actually put me off it.

In fact with everything going on around me, combined with a lack of sleep, I am going to be in a blissful state of apathy in regards to matters about him. Despite the fact that he was offering to skype his friend, and me needing to say how bloody unfair it is that I should be bumped off last week before he offered me a call... I almost don't give a fuck at the moment because I am far too tired to care.

Day Three Hundred and Ten AND Eleven

Internet cut out for the evening and consequently, I had a little spaz.


It was NOT pretty.

Day Three Hundred and Nine

thisweekisgoingtobesoincrediblyhecticsomuchsothaticannotaffordthetimetoputinadequatepunctuation.

Day Three Hundred and Eight

Torn between two things: to do what is right, which will cost me everything, or to do what is wrong, which will cost me forever.

Day Three Hundred and Seven

I find people who have the compulsion to put up countless photos of themselves in their beloved bliss incredibly annoying. Call me bitter, but it is no wonder that when the day comes when they do break up, it makes for immense entertainment.

If you're happy, then good for you. There's no need to go proclaiming to the world that you've finally found someone who'll actually acknowledge your relationship (unlike your past two 'boyfriends'). I use the term 'boyfriend' loosely here because we all know a little gossip about your previous 'relationships', don't we?

xoxo Gossip Girl.

Day Three Hundred and Six

Time to be organised tomorrow...

Day Three Hundred and Five

My flat for next year is GORGEOUS. Well, my room is. It has room for a queen bed and a desk AND space to walk around, as well as large windows. The best part is the adjoining sunroom which is made of windows on one side.

I am blissful.

Note to self:
- need to find fairy lights
- replace shitty electricity saving lightbulb in my touch lamp
- talk to my flatmate about buying her chest of drawers
- maybe find a partition curtain or something of the like between my room and the sunroom
- pick photos to hang from pegs on string heheheh
- nice smelling perfume/scenty things




Also, E. said cute things :)

Day Three Hundred and Four

Two left feet.

Unfortunately, the owner of them is me.

Day Three Hundred and Three

busybusybusy. too many things to remember to do.

1. assignment
2. study for EOMT
3. pharm revue practices
4. study for exams
5. get things ready for my APC
6. see the flat on thursday
7. book places for roadtrip

Day Three Hundred and Two

ihatelawmyeyesarebleeeeding.

dsfkjsdfjlksdfkjldsflkjdfs.

How it can all be summed up as: be a good caring pharmacist and don't sell stuff to people unless they give consent. And once you have their health information, hide it in a deep hole so no one can access it. Also other pharmacists are watching you, and waiting for you screw up so they can report you to the Pharmacy Council. Don't pretend to be a dentist or a doctor, and be a proud pharmacist.

Day Three Hundred and One

Today I found a pumpkin outside my front door. There was also a pile of shit. According to my flatmate, it was quite a sizeable heap... so she was certain that either a group of animals or people had decided to gather at the foot of our staircase and take a massive group dump. Luckily, by the time I left the house, the fish and chip shop owners next door had decided to rinse it all out. All I got to see were all the flies buzzing around where the shit had been.

A metaphor perhaps for how the English played the Argentineans last night?

Day Three Hundred

ragerageragerageragerage.

also, i don't want to study :(

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Nine

George Street studio: big room but pretty manky. I can't deal with mess... so probably not...
Cargill Street studio: more my thing, but no carpark and I don't know the amount of broadband I will get.
Conclusion: I think I will happily flat. The only reservation is the distance... humhumhumhum.

Also, I now see why we signed Sonny Bill Williams. That man passes like a pro. Also, Israel Dagg and Richard Kahui = AWESOME.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Eight

So, just when I had finally come to terms with living alone next year (albeit, surrounded by the beautiful things that I want, such as lanterns and scenty oils and whatnot), I find out that I may end up flatting again.

blaaaargh.

Also, I hate chi squares.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Seven

Will you hold my hand to stop me from drifting away (from you)?

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Six

MUST. STOP. BUYING. CLOTHES.

sdkslkjsdfkjstfkjsdfkjsd.

Also, more depressing thought: I only have like... two and a half months before I am wearing a dispensing jacket for 21 days out of every month.



Ergo... why the hell am I buying so many clothes?!

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Five

Cotton wool. Cotton wool. Cotton wool.

Lol... the skeptic (or as the British spell it, sceptic) in me is betting that this only lasts for a week or so. I think I'll go and buy myself a new dress once he reverts back to being his usual self.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Four

Doubting no more.

At least, I shall try not to. Because every time I doubt, all I need to do is look at him.

Because when you see someone cry, someone who you once thought to be devoid of any extreme emotion, you would be convinced.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Three

Should we trouble the ghosts of memories past,
disturb the skeletons that hide in webs of lies?
For I fear that I shall find some secret horror;
and deal a final death blow to my faltering heart.






















why am i upset? it comes down to this:
i am so, so afraid that he is lying to me. i almost don't want to know. and yet, i want to know.
fact: this happened two years ago
fact: whatever he feels for me now is deeper
fact: the boy who loves me now wouldn't hurt me

however, i don't know if i can forgive him if his actions were the result of emotional feelings towards another person. and this, this is what i am afraid of knowing.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety One AND Ninety Two

I don't think I've ever seen such a look of remorse/self disgust on anyone's face before...

To be honest, my mind was made up the moment I knew.

And I know the more I think about it, the more I'm going to end up doubting myself. Doubting him. So I think I would like to stop thinking about it. I think. I think. I think.

I know that he has changed since then. I know that what he feels now is something that is real. I know that he truly regrets it.

Now all I feel is... sorrow. But I am also glad, so very glad, that this didn't ruin someone else's relationship before it even had a chance to begin.




(un)happy birthday, me.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety

He. drove. me. out. to. Mosgiel.





and didn't mind that he was going to be late for a meeting with his friend.

flob flop flob flop. this is the sound of my heart being turned upside down and inside out.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Eight AND Eighty Nine

Apathyapathyapathy.

Well no. I just wish I felt apathy. sfdkjldflkjfdalkjfdaj here is my heart. On a platter. Feel free to do whatever you wish to it.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Six AND Eighty Seven

Apathyapathyapathy.

Blargh.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Five

That was easy.

Mondaymondaymondaymondaymonday!

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Four

dskjldfskjdfslkjsdfj;lafjklafdjkl i hate tests.

Especially tests that are on the day before holidays.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Three

I am bemused -
also oh, so tired.
Apathy strikes.

postscript: to my older self - never ever stay up to the point where you are PAST tired... because now I guarantee that I will not be able to fall asleep before 2am.

postscript 2: do not open the E. shrine, unless you want to laugh and smile stupidly while reminiscing.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Two

Colbie Caillat's 'Make It Rain' reflects my mood perfectly

I don't care what they say
Cause I have seen when we run we make it rain
Let's keep going for miles
Playin under the stormy darkened skies
Can you be mine?

Push me to the wall let them see baby I don't care at all
I'm not letting this go
Like a flower breaking through we've grown
Together now

I don't care what they say cause I have seen when we run we make it rain
There's nothing better than this
I'll keep wanting you for just one more kiss
So make it rain

When the world makes me tired, and my mind feels
like it was set on fire, you look at me and smile,
With your brown eyes you call my heart and I can breathe again.

I don't care what they say cause I have seen when we run we make it rain
There's nothing better than this
I'll keep wanting you for just one more kiss
So make it rain

I've waited for you to come
Maybe this is not the right time
Maybe we'll hold off for just a little while
Until you're mine

I don't care what they say
I have seen when we run we make it rain
There's nothing better than this
I'll keep wanting you for just one more kiss
Can you be mine?

Cause I don't care what they say
Cause I have seen when we run we make it rain
There's nothing better than this
I'll keep wanting you for just one last kiss

Can you be mine?
Can you be mine?
Can you be mine?
Ohh now you're mine

Day Two Hundred and Eighty One

I think I shall stop celebrating my birthday...

That aside... I am a neurotic perfectionist who likes whole and complete numbers. And I had 99 people on Facebook who kindly said happy birthday. Except... 100 is so much nicer.
So I tell E.

And he slips in my 100th happy birthday right before the stroke of midnight.

heheheheh (this is a blissful laugh).

Day Two Hundred and Eighty

One moreee week. Shall we commence yet another countdown?

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Eight AND Seventy Nine

:)

I am content. Like a cat.
Also, I asked him if he considered the possibility of me making out with some other person as cheating.

Yes, the answer was yes, it would be cheating. Because we are "emotionally attached".

:) :) :) :) :)

Also, hand holding... in the day time(!)... without me initiating anything(!)

Note to self: it is extremely comfortable talking when your head is in his lap.

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Seven

TOMORROW!!!

(actually, my mother has successfully put a damper on my excitement because she is making my life difficult).

So now I'm just so... -_- (if you'll forgive the use of such a fresh emoticon).

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Six

Two more sleeps!!!

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Five

THREE!

Come on, rain! Melt away the snow... just so the roads aren't icy and what not.

postscript: it is super super super fun twirling in a pretty dress when it is raining outside and you have Taylor Swift's 'Enchanted' playing in the background.
Just saying...

postscript 2: this is my newest purchase/birthday present from E. . you like?

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Four

FOUR FOUR FOUR FOUR FOUR!

Also, note to self for when I try to organise something when I'm older: never try to have a birthday at the same time as graduation. Or at a place that demands that for group reservations exceeding 10 people, each person must pay $27 for a set menu.

*ALSO MUST REMEMBER BEEF - someone can't eat beef!!! (to tell Etrusco)

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Three

It's snowing! I should hate it because it's probably going to cause my lectures to get rescheduled, but it's so hard to hate something that looks so pretty.

FIVE!

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Two

Today I used my new toothpaste (which contains microcrystals). It sounded like it was snowing in my mouth.

Pretty swell, eh.

6 DAYS.

Day Two Hundred and Seventy One

One week!!!

Please please please don't snow... I can't do rescheduled lectures and workshops... Especially ones on Friday afternoon. More importantly, I can't have the roads iced over and what not.

Day Two Hundred and Seventy

If I were to pluck on your heartstrings, would you strum on mine?

<3 Owl City! :) The lyrics are always so poetic, yet simple.

8 days left!

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Nine

9 more days!

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Eight

THANK YOU, GOD.

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Seven

Despair, I despair.

11 days to go.

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Six

It took some time, but we got there eventually.

12 days.

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Five

13 days.

I feel like all the fight has gone out of me.

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Four

When you are knocked down, the hardest part is getting back up and preparing yourself for another punch to the gut.

14 days

Two Hundred and Sixty Four

I've always wondered... do policemen in training get to practice driving through a busy street (i.e. manoeuvring one's way through a crowded street as fast one can, while having one's sirens blaring out loudly)?

15 days

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Three

16 days!
Also, never ever buy a Sanyo Katana II (6650)... not that you can, seeing as this phone is near prehistoric. I was hoping to transfer some old photos from that phone to my new one. First of all, it won't even connect to my nexus S... so I had to borrow my flatmate's phone to connect to it. And when we had gone through all that kerfuffle, we soon discovered that you can only send contacts and your business card from my Sanyo Katana II via bluetooth to any other phone.

sfdlkdalkjdalkjd!!!

Who the fuck wants to send CONTACTS and your friggin BUSINESS CARD only? Helloooo photos anyone? So, eventually, we end up pxting her phone and then getting her phone to send the photo to my new phone via bluetooth.

In short... bluetooth confuses the crap out of me.

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Two

17 days!
(also... perhaps I'll be here another year?)

Also, the most random conversation with E. ever. I've never had a conversation about clothing with him... until now.

Day Two Hundred and Sixty One

Staying here for another year would be good... but I'd also feel guilty. I suppose my fate hasn't been determined yet.

Also, 18 more days!

Day Two Hundred and Sixty

I'm not going to beg you.
But if you push me enough, I might just break.

postscript:
fdslkjdalkjdakldalkdalkafkljdfa'asjfngf whyyy can't I be more patient?!!!!
(also, I look cute when I'm angry?)

Day Two Hundred and Fifty Nine

This isn't a relationship, sweetheart.
It's a dictatorship with an iron fist.
Your love is not what it seems to be;
not a promise of freedom and equality.
Protesting is futile as we all know
the crackdown is brutal and violent.
So let's just pretend that I still believe
in what you used to whisper in my ear.
Cruel master and tyrant of thought,
set me free from your gilded cage.

Day Two Hundred and Fifty Eight

Even though I'm laughing, you're still the one at the back of my mind.

Day Two Hundred and Fifty Seven

Biggest fail yet. So I made a plan to meet up with my friend to do our assignment at 9:45am and then have pancakes for brunch with our mutual friend at 11am.

I woke up at 11:50am. And somehow thought that the time was 2pm.

I thought my clock screwed up. But it turns out that
a) I cannot read the time when I am disorientated
b) I turned my alarm off in my sleep

Day Two Hundred and Fifty Six

It's funny (and stupid) how a simple emoticon depicting a smile is enough to placate me.

Also, I had two incredibly amusing conversations with taxi drivers.
First conversation:
"Where are you from?" (actually, I think most people ask this of me as a conversational starter).
And seeing as taxi driver 1 looks relatively Asian (I'm allowed to make stereotypes), I answer that I come from Hong Kong. I also sneak a furtive look at his ID card, which tells me that his last name is Chang. Which is odd because his accent is decidedly not from China. So I politely ask him where he is from.
He is from Korea.
What I took away from this encounter: all Asians speak English with a different accent. And Chang is a Korean surname.
Taxi driver 1 has been taking health scis all morning to the first UMAT session and asks if I'm a health sci (which I hurriedly correct... for all people out there who do not know what a health sci is, these are first year university students who are taking health science, and who all think first year health science is equivalent to pre med. They are also the most annoying undergrads on the face of the planet).
After finishing that conversation snippet of why I am doing UMAT when I am not a health sci, the atmosphere in the car grows slightly awkward as you can tell that both of us are trying to think of some conversational starter. Eventually, we end up talking about the snow that fell on Sunday. And then we arrive. Taxi driver 1 wishes me good luck and drives away cheerfully.

Getting out of the car, I run into my current almost lover's/not-quite-ex's/once-every-two-monthly-boyfriend's fan club. Ughhhhhhhhhh. But I smirk anyway because facades and appearances are important.

Taxi driver 2:
He pulls up and lets me in. He is also a cute little Asian man. Once again, I get asked the same question. "Where are you from?"
At this point, I am tired and hungry... so I stutter somewhat when I reply. "Like, c-country wise?"
"Yes, country." He gives me a sideways look that could be interpreted as "Duh".
"Oh, I'm from Hong Kong."
"Hong Kong, shang gang, eh?" (shang gang = Hong Kong in Mandarin)
I nod.
"Oh, ni ke bu ke yi shou zhong wen?" (i.e. can you speak Chinese?)
"Yi dian dian." (i.e. a little). I ready myself for a torrent of Mandarin because generally when Chinese people realise you understand Chinese, they usually spout out tenmilliongazillionwordspersecond. And this puts me on the edge because my Mandarin is absolutely shit.
But to my surprise, he simply says "That's very good. Many Chinese in Western countries can't speak Chinese any more."
I hide any sign of surprise in my next question. "Oh, so you are from China... Hong Kong..." I trail off.
His reply stuns me. "No. I am from Korea."
I don't bother hiding my awe. "Wow. And you learnt Chinese? That's fantastic."
"I learnt it so I can read Chinese novels."

This man is legendary.

"Is Chinese similar to Korean?" I ask conversationally.
He shakes his head emphatically. "No. The two are very different. Korean and Japanese however, are quite similar syntactically."

Taxi driver 2 just earned fifty more points upon the use of the word 'syntactically'.

But taxi driver 2 doesn't seem to feel the same awe that I do as he sighs rather resigned. "I can read it, but when I speak it... mei you ren ke yi dong" (i.e. no one can understand me).
I try to placate him. "Oh, no. You speak it just fine. Your Mandarin is ten times better than mine. I can't even read Chinese."

I forgot what he said at this point. But somehow the conversation changes and he asks me if I'm a health sci... which I also hurriedly correct.
"A pharmacy student, eh?" He nods somewhat approvingly. "My daughter studied pharmacy. She wanted to do dentistry, but I told her, 'Why do you want to be a dentist? You don't want to spend the rest of your life looking into dirty mouths'."
I laugh appreciatively. There is no love lost between the School of Dentistry and the School of Pharmacy. Actually, we generally have nothing to do with each other simply because we're physically so far away from each other.
Taxi driver 2 continues. "So I tell her, study pharmacy instead and marry a dentist."
This elicits a genuine laugh from me because this comment is so much like what my friends and I would say to each other.
But he hasn't finished. "My daughter failed at that second part. She married an IT boy instead."
I try to think of a polite way of saying that IT men have nice salaries too. But taxi driver 2 gets there first. "Oh, but I still like him. IT is a good career too. He is a manager for the IT part of things in a gold mining company."
"Oh, definitely. IT is just as good as dentistry." I echo. "Gold mining company? That's really cool.'
Taxi driver 2 chuckles. "I thought he'd get paid in gold nuggets, but all he gets that is gold is his gold visa card."

I LOVE puns. This man is pure GOLD.

"Well, as long as the company pays for the expenses on the visa card, I'd say that's just as good."
He laughs appreciatively. "They pay for his expenses if he goes overseas, so yes, it's still a very nice arrangement."
There's a pause before I ask if his daughter is still a pharmacist. And so we chat about pharmacy and finding an intern place. I swear, if all my future patients are as awesome as this man, I will be very happy.
When we arrive outside my flat, he checks the price on the meter (which is $15.60). I pull out a $20 note and he rummages around for change. "I'll give you a discount,-"
"- Oh, that's not necessary," I interrupt.
"No, no. I only give discounts to pretty girls. If you're ugly, I rip you off." He cackles as he hands me back $15.
I thank him and wish him a good evening as I get out of the car.

So, trilingual taxi drivers are now pretty high up on my list of awesome.

Day Two Hundred and Fifty Five

Would you continue to invest in a low profit, high risk investment? What if there really is better out there and your perceived end point is distorted because all you've ever known is this single end point?

Be careful when treading the shallows because you may just fall in deeper than you had ever intended.

I hope you won't disappoint me... but I feel like you probably will anyway.
Almost lovers always do.

Day Two Hundred and Fifty Four

Aaaaargh. Is it totally necessary to have the volume of your television turned up so bloody loud that the floor of the flat above you vibrates?!

On another note, heavy snow meant no class today. Oh hooray. More time to cram in UMAT study.

Day Two Hundred and Fifty Three

A hand holding your own whilst walking through the snow is the only antidote to the biting cold.

Day Two Hundred and Fifty Two

It never fails to amuse me how my textbook uses Oxford commas. I'm sorry, oh Oxford comma. It just looks far more aesthetically pleasing not using you. That, and my primary school teacher drilled me out of the habit.

Day Two Hundred and Fifty One

Dear Salivary glands,

Please stop excessively salivating when I am excited or incredibly chuffed. Otherwise people near me will need umbrellas.

Many thanks,
G.

Day Two Hundred and Fifty

Dear Ulcer on the tip of my tongue,

Please heal. I have a presentation tomorrow and I really would appreciate it if I didn't have to lisp my way through it.

Regards,
The rest of the body.

Day Two Hundred and Forty Nine

Ah... the apprehension and fear of one who is desperately seeking an intern site.

Day Two Hundred and Forty Eight

Dear Somebody-Out-There,

I hope you will love me as much as Snape loved Lily.

Yours sincerely,
Me.

Day Two Hundred and Forty Seven

Dear Idiots who sit at the back of the lecture theatre,

Kindly shut the hell up.

Yours sincerely,
People who actually want to learn.

Day Two Hundred and Forty Six

... Or my attempt at trying not to appear to eager backfired on me. Either way, I feel much better about things now.

Day Two Hundred and Forty Five

Is it considered rude to start a conversation with someone, a conversation that you have no intention of continuing? Because somehow, I find that incredibly bad mannered.

Day Two Hundred and Forty Three and Forty Four

My new phone is like a sparkly thing that distracts me.

Day Two Hundred and Forty One

Dear Heart,

You are an ass. Well, your non logical thinking alter ego is. Please desist from having your head in the clouds and get back down to earth. Stop treating him like your boyfriend because he is clearly not your boyfriend. Also, stop sighing over him because nothing about this situation is romantic. We aren't a pair of star crossed lovers like Katniss and Peeta. In fact, if he was like Peeta, he would've converted to Christianity in a wink. And do this right now, otherwise you'll end up crowding him in again and look where it got you last time.

Much love (see the irony here?),
Head.

Day Two Hundred and Forty

There are these words you say,
but where are your actions?

Don't just say it.
Show me.

But of course, you don't have the duty to gratify my wishes and such. So yes, bottom line. I wish you never told me that you still loved me. Because then I would stop expecting anything from you.

Day Two Hundred and Thirty Nine

I wish I don't have to second guess his actions and figure out his motives. I wish I don't have to cautiously approach him in case I cross any lines.
Oh, but wait. He doesn't have to worry if he's crossing lines because this river flows only in one direction...


... and it's not in my direction.
I wonder, what is the point of this? Gratifying our feelings? And yet, I still have nightmares of him moving on. Then I know that this uncertainty is but a small price to pay.

Day Two Hundred and Thirty Eight

Just when I think that I can live without you, you pull me in again. To what end?

Day Two Hundred and Thirty Seven

You breathed life into my lungs,
and now my heart begins to beat.
And you, you disappear again.
Only now do you make me stir;
but when I finally open my eyes,
you're gone, gone like the wind.
I try to hold onto the calm serenity,
but you have set my world alight
once more.

Day Two Hundred and Thirty Six

Totally worth it. Also, now that something else happened, I am now only stressed about finding a place for next year.
Ideally, I would want to remain in the South Island. But as I have realised, he lost the right to be considered in my plans for my future when he chose Christchurch. As he said, ironically, this entire whatever-you-call-this-arrangement is going better than a long distance relationship. The question is, if I am based in the North Island next year, what will happen?
Either he realises that he can live without me or he can't.

Day Two Hundred and Thirty Four and Thirty Five

Six hours helping him do ethics? Completely and utterly worth it.

Day Two Hundred and Thirty Three

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do, to take away the you

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

- 'Sort Of' - Ingrid Michaelson

p.s. people in Wellington should harden the fuck up over a minor jolt.

Day Two Hundred and Thirty Two

Screw this shit. I'm so over it all. At this rate, I'd be better off becoming a friggin housewife.

Day Two Hundred and Thirty One

That was fairly interesting.
Also development/reminder: FLOWERS for GRADUATION.

Day Two Hundred and Thirty

Go on; make a promise that you have no intention of keeping.

Day Two Hundred and Twenty Nine

This bemuses me greatly:
So I did my placement at a pharmacy. They volunteered their time for a week to have a useless extern trundle along and wreck havoc. By the end of the placement, they give said extern a voucher for $60 at a bookstore.

Understand my confusion?

Day Two Hundred and Twenty Eight

Oh, I should probably mention...
no boyfriend (or only one paper assessed this semester) = excellent excellent grades

Day Two Hundred and Twenty Seven

You confuse me;
twist me up in
knots that only
you can undo.

Day Two Hundred and Twenty Six

There are butterflies in my stomach,
they crawl so and churn my insides.
I thought they would stay in cocoons,
forever caterpillars of worry and fear.
But a fluttering of wings and I tremble,
gnaw on my peace of mind and holes,
black holes appear in my sanity.

Day Two Hundred and Twenty Five

Aaaaargh. I give up.

Day Two Hundred and Twenty Four

Let's be glib, dear boy.
You're a strange being,
draconian in some ways,
and yet playful in others.
Catlike creature, smile so.
You brush against me,
but your ears flatten when
I gently try to pick you up.

Day Two Hundred and Twenty Three

I dug out my diaries from high school and they read like romance novels on Fictionpress... full of stolen glances, loaded exchanges and such. Ah, I was so naive. And misguided when it came to reading boys, that is, when a boy is being friendly and when he is flirting.
That is the problem with most the stories on Fictionpress, including my own. The male leads just sound like girls dressed in guys clothing. I honestly should get a boy to read stories on Fictionpress and ask them if that is how they really think.

That being said, life imitates Fictionpress pretty well sometimes. I give you this story:
Argumentative girl falls for the pompous handsome med student on her dorm floor but he doesn't like her back... she moons over him for almost half a year and all the while, she starts a friendship with the boy who continually knocks on her room door at random hours of the night... said boy has tidbits of gossip... I should probably mention at this point that this girl has a knack for collecting and spreading gossip... back to said boy... this strange boy has interesting gossip which he refuses to give freely to the girl, unless she manages to outwit it out of him... but oh noes! strange boy has a girlfriend... what is he doing? dumdumdum...

Day Two Hundred and Twenty Two

Shopping on ASOS makes me wish that I was richer.

Day Two Hundred and Twenty One

People who spell the word 'definitely' as 'defiantly' always makes me laugh. Imagine a conversation between two people and replace definitely with defiantly. And laugh.

Day Two Hundred and Twenty

dear boy,
you have turned
me inside out.
why hand me
back my heart
NOW
when you took
it away from
me?
love
girl.

Day Two Hundred (six days have passed) and Nineteen

Oh look... a plot twist, my loves.
.
..
...

He still loves me... he told me otherwise during the last visit to make it easier for me...
This is an interesting development.

Also things that make me laugh. Seeing his fan club on the street. And her seeing his hand still in mine. Schadenfreude, sweetheart.







whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy? i thought my heart was pretty much dead. and now it beats.

Day Two Hundred and Thirteen

Oral exams = awesome.
I am tired. But for the first time in a month, I think I might actually be able to fall asleep without stressing.

Day Two Hundred and Twelve

In 14 hours, I will be freeeeeee. Ugh oral exams.

Day Two Hundred and Eleven

Why?! Whywhywhywhywhywhy would you have an earthquake FOUR days before I plan to come up?!
dfkjdsfalkjdslkjsdflkjfda;ladldfs

"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

Day Two Hundred and Nine AND Two Hundred and Ten

Well... that was an interesting chat...
Not that I'm complaining...

Day Two Hundred and Eight

interview + owning at dota + study going well + talking + microcytic anaemia = happiness

Day Two Hundred and Seven

Pretty sure I pwned that exam.

Day Two Hundred and Six

Do you know what worse than being arrogant? Being oblivious whilst arrogant. Case in point: I feel that I'm going to friggin kick arse at my exam tomorrow. However, I'm pretty sure I haven't memorised everything in order to allow me to make this claim.

Day Two Hundred and Five

Why do I bother helping him so much? And I highly doubt that it's because I'm a nice person.

Also, I like it when I'm right. I should go buy myself something, had I money, to celebrate. Pity I can't gloat about it... but all honesty, it is very, very tempting. Especially since said person which this tidbit is about said that I need to 'get myself some action'. Well, honey, seeing as I've been in a stable relationship for two years without the need to 'go and get some action' unlike you, pretty sure I don't need it now.
Oh, sweetheart. If you want a fight, I'm pretty sure I'd win.

Day Two Hundred and Four

My throat hurts from reciting my notes out loud to myself.

Day Two Hundred and Two AND Two Hundred and Three

Is it just me, or is he more eager to please than usual? And why does that make me suspicious? I really should just accept it... which is hard because I'm not a nice person. And when I'm nice and eager to please, there's a reason why...
Or he's reaaally screwed my mind over and I honestly do not expect him to be nice because our relationship has really never about him trying particularly hard to please me when I grumble...

Day Two Hundred and One

Med students are good looking. I think I need to bag myself another one.

Day Two Hundred

I think I'm going to try to be nicer.
This is going to be hard because I am somewhat of a bitch.

Day Hundred and Ninety Nine

I. Am. An. Idiot.
Also, facebook chat is a douche.

Day Hundred and Ninety Seven and Ninety Eight

Here's another heart to devour,
to replace the hole in your chest.
You hold my strings as I dance,
for I am just a ghost of myself.
Take my pride and self respect,
and break my heart at your will.
And when my heart falters for
the final heart beat and stops,
you'll return the useless and
broken pieces so you can find
yourself a new one that'll work.
But foolish Giselle, I know I am,
that should you ever need me,
I'll dance for you one last time.

Day Hundred and Ninety Four, Ninety Five AND Ninety Six

Hope is watering the plant and
I watch and wish that it'll grow.
When will I find out that the
seed is already dead in the soil?
I pull on that connection that is a
bridge across distance and time.
When will I find the other end
is only attached to the thin air?
You're standing there, I know,
with your arms wide open for me.
When will I realise that you're
only an illusion of my memories?

Day Hundred and Ninety Three

My back hurts. On the bright side, I think I may be getting somewhere with my study...

Day Hundred and Ninety Two

How on earth do I convey in my CV and cover letter that I'm not a FOB?! (apart from having impeccable grammar and spelling?)

Day Hundred and Ninety One

The bliss of exam induced panic.
asdfghjkl.
I am about to become one giant
pustle.
Ticking time bomb 'cause no one
knows when I'm gonna pop.

Day Hundred and Ninety

I feel that treatment has improved... possibly due to the conversation we had two weeks ago where I essentially told him that he wasn't the nicest person to me.
Doesn't matter. I get a cat. Pity I have to share it.

Day Hundred and Eighty Eight and Hundred and Eighty Nine

My fear was for nothing. Again, it was a nice conversation that lasted for more than three hours and this time, most of it was actual talking as opposed to listening and then commenting about the Backstreet Boys.
And yes, I believe I will be seeing him again.
But the biggest thing is always the goodnight. And the 'sleep well'. Which is mine, and mine alone.

Day Hundred and Eighty Seven

I gave you my heart to hold,
feel it beat and jump around.
Blood red and delicate strands;
you have my heartstrings now,
and like your puppet I dance.

Oh, oh, feel my heartbeat,
when you're holding me.
I gave you my heart to hold,
just don't let me down,
don't let me down.

The power is in your hands,
but please, don't hurt me.
Just a snowflake in your palm;
melt my heart in a breath,
watch my will evaporate.

Oh, oh, feel my heartbeat,
when you're holding me.
I gave you my heart to hold,
just don't let me down,
don't let me down.

Was I a fool to trust you,
mister serial heart collector?
With each beat, I slowly fade;
the blood which I gave you
runs now through your veins.

I wish I had paused to think
before giving it all to you.
It's too late,
too late to reconsider.
So

Oh, oh, feel my heartbeat,
when you're holding me.
I gave you my heart to hold,
just don't let me down.
Oh, please,
oh, oh.
Just don't let me down.

Day Hundred and Eighty Six

I didn't have to initiate the obligatory weekday contact. It was a nice change.

Day Hundred and Eighty Five

I don't want to let you go
oh
oh
oh.

Day Hundred and Eighty Four

It's cold. And wet. Where is the snow?

Day Hundred and Eighty Three

Stop saying that I'm sweet like candy,
'cause I'm not who you think I am.
You say that I'm a kind sort of a girl,
but darling, you don't know the truth.
You gotta realise that I'm only nice 'cause

There's a knife embedded deep within
and it connects my heart to yours.
So while it's there deep within the flesh,
it stops my soul from bleeding out.
I'd happily rip it out so I can stab you,
if only I could.

Master of manipulation, you smile so
'cause you think that knife is yours.
My last laugh, the last joke is on you.
I'm a masochist at the most, sweetheart,
the fight is yours, but the war is mine.

There's a knife embedded deep within
and it connects my heart to yours.
So while it's there deep within the flesh,
it stops my soul from bleeding out.
I'd happily rip it out so I can stab you,
if only I could.

One day I'll gather the strength to
break that connection between you and I.
And when that day finally arrives,
I'll finally be free of that bond to do
what I've wished to do for oh so long.

There's a knife embedded deep within
and it connects my heart to yours.
So while it's there deep within the flesh,
it stops my soul from bleeding out.
I'd happily rip it out so I can stab you,
if only I could.

But when I look myself in the mirror,
do I see a monster deep in the glass?
My heart starts to beat by itself
but yours -

There's a knife embedded deep within
and it connects my heart to yours.
So while it's there deep within the flesh,
it stops my soul from bleeding out.
Would I rip it out so I can stab you,
Would I do it?
Would I do it?

Day Hundred and Eighty Two

I just devoured a whole box of rice crackers. And now I feel fat.
Also, we had an interesting discussion last night. Genuine, though. Although it doesn't fill me up with a warm and fuzzy feeling, it suffices because
- he still feels like we're close
- he still wants whatever we are despite better judgement
- he misses me still

Day Hundred and Eighty and Hundred and Eighty One

This is the pathology of the heart:
At first, there is acute pain which seems to radiate.
Hope dies slowly and with that comes a cavity.
There is then invasion of doubt and loneliness
devouring their way through the dead tissue,
obliterating the memories of crimson times gone by.
Eventually there is personal growth and regeneration
and pale scar tissue fills the void that was once there,
but you know that while complete, the muscle
is never as strong as it used to be once upon a time.