TWO SHOES! (nearly 10 weeks post injury). Still hobbling like an old lady, but at least I won't garner looks from everyone when I walk past. Ugh, I don't know why a moonboot makes people want to stare.

Good news from the orthopaedic registrar: he dismissed the ultrasound as being not a very good diagnostic tool and did a physical exam on my tendon. He was very pleased with how my tendon was healing up :)

It makes me feel much more relieved. Ah, now I feel quite alone with my dad gone. It's like my security blanket's gone and I have to do things for myself. I still maintain that my road is probably the biggest hurdle. Why did I pick such a steep road to live on?

Regardless, I am very much relieved (and thankful to God) that things aren't complicated further.

Life is hanging on the edge by the thread. And no one, except E. and my parents understand. I almost wish I didn't have that ultrasound done. It was done to ease my fears of re-rupturing my Achilles, but it seems that it may have created something else.

The radiologist who looked at my ultrasound says that my Achilles is not healing up well and that he recommends for me to have surgery. So on Wednesday, I have an appointment with the orthopaedic consultant over in the hospital. If I need surgery, this royally screws up the rest of my life. And I'm not being overly melodramatic. If I need surgery, I will go back home to Wellington. This poses a problem because I will not be able to do my intern year. Some of you may ask, well, why not do it next year? Well, because I want to apply for med. Well then, why not just do your intern year in 2013 and then apply for med at the end of 2013 for entry into the 2014 class? Well, because by that point, it would've already been 3 years since I graduated and so I wouldn't be able to apply for medicine under the postgraduate category, not to mention, waiting another year (i.e. 2013) to do my intern year means waiting out the whole of 2012... and every student knows that as soon as exams are over, you forget 90% of the material you study... therefore decreasing my chances of even passing my intern year in 2013 for a start. Oh, and for pharmacy, we need to be registered within 2 years of graduating.

Oh, and ACC won't pay for transport costs. Because I injured myself the day before I was in paid employment. Oh, I wish I had never picked up a badminton racquet. I also wish that I had surgically mended my Achilles when I injured it, 9 weeks ago.

It's so hard to trust God because at the moment, I feel so helpless. And no one around me seems to understand what sort of a hole I'm in.

I miss him :( in some aspects, this year will be harder than last year. Last year I didn't have a right to miss him. That was just enough to keep me from mooning over him like a lost possession. This year... I will need to try and take a step back because keeping my distance in terms of clingyness (yet maintaining that emotional connection) seemed to do the trick.

I can't help it. Every time I look at those graduation photos, all I can think about... is rage. In fact, all I can do is rage. Inexplicable rage.

A more pleasant note: my mother heated up my bean bag for my ankle but was busy when the microwave dinged. A moment later, I hear the microwave open and close... and my brother wanders into my room holding the bean bag. He's a precious one.

postscript: maple syrup and almond cake is divine. tastes like madeira cake
(http://www.grouprecipes.com/18417/maple-syrup-cake.html)... replaced the pecans/walnuts with almonds. added some texture.

Now, I know why patients are called thus.

Went to another physio yesterday - she was much more thorough in terms of her taking of my history and physical assessment. She didn't however, massage my calf... which was something that I had been looking forward to for the entire week. Lambasting physios has been somewhat of a favourite pastime this last week, because to me, I still have yet to find one that I like. Or maybe I'm just fussy.

She also made me walk. Unaided. Without my CAM walker on. I can barely heel-lift and toe-off as it is. In fact, I really wouldn't call it walking, more like an undignified shuffle. She's also added another exercise: standing on my invalid leg and balancing myself on said leg for ten seconds. And my goodness, are my muscles atrophied.

I am going to bake a cake this evening in hopes that it will cure me of this sudden rage that I feel. Or I'm just PMS-ing because my period is supposedly due. Either way, excessive amounts of sugar should do the trick.

Aargh physio exercises are so tedious :/ but at least my present for E. is going well. Painstakingly, I have painted words onto a pillowcase. So far, no slip ups. I have however, left the hardest word to paint for tomorrow.

I am so, so afraid of re-rupturing my Achilles. Been reading up on a few articles and surgical, along with the increased chance of wound healing complications has a lower rate of re-rupture. No pain, no gain, I suppose.

It wasn't me being afraid of surgery or its complications that made me pick the conservative route. After all, I seemed to have healed from my inguinal hernia repair just fine. It was more the fact that if I chose to have surgery, I knew that it would cause much more hassle in terms of someone looking after me. And stubbornly, I wasn't ready to come back home yet.

I just hope that I don't overwork myself and take myself back 8 weeks.

I've noticed my ankle gets reaaally stiff at night. Not too sure if this is just due to edema or my tendon stiffening up as the day goes by. I feel like an old woman who needs to massage/put my feet up at the end of the day.

Bought the shoes I've been after for a while now. And started making E's belated Christmas/early birthday present. It's going pretty well - a variation of this design you see here below in this link:
http://piccsy.com/2011/06/dreaming-ozytzlzdg/
Of course, my pillowcases are customised. Should be excitingness. I start the harder part tomorrow. Will require me to have a steady hand!

So I had a look around and saw a few people blogging their experiences regarding their Achilles tendon ruptures. Thing is, there's so few on people who went the non surgical/conservative route.

So, I figure I should add in something, should someone really need to compare/look.
Weeks 1 and 2:
plaster of paris cast (to allow for swelling). Foot in equinus. Have Asian mother who has insisted that I eat deer tendons. No harm except they taste like arse.

Weeks 3 and 4:
Fibreglass cast. Also in equinus.
Pain: minimal. Some swelling, which was more noticeable in the first 2 weeks post injury, especially if I had been standing on my crutches for long periods of time.
Frivolous detail: arms were not used to supporting weight, but got more used to it in weeks 3 and 4. Being in a fibreglass cast helped the most because it's way lighter than a gypsum (plaster of paris) cast. Also something to note is "cyclist's palsy". This occurred (and still does) when I've been crutching for long periods of time. Essentially the tip of my fourth finger on the side that has the affected foot goes numb. This is most likely from inflammation (as a result of me support body weight on to my hand) impinging the nerve that runs along that finger. It disappears after a few hours although I have noticed that the longer I crutch, the longer it takes for the numbness to subside.

Week 5:
In moonboot/CAM walker. Foot in 20 degrees. Also started doing some plantarflexion and dorsiflexion at the physio.
Pain: minimal (maybe 2/10) when I've pulled it too much up. It's more of an odd stretching feeling as if my tendon is reaaaaally stiff and I'm forcing it to move.
Frivolous details: tendon is as thick as ass. Some bruising and swelling is quite bad to the point that my toes stick together. Oh, and dead skin peeling when you finally get to shower is disgusting. And if you don't wash your socks often, your feet will smell bad.

Week 6:
Foot now in 10 degrees. Dorsiflexion and plantarflexion is coming easily now. Still limited ROM (range of motion) compared to my uninjured left foot. Also have started to put some weight on it when I use my crutches. Physio has added some isometric calf exercises to try and decrease muscle wasting.
Pain: same as above.
Frivolous details: foot goes blue when I stand for too long out of the CAM walker (e.g. when showering). Have started using wheat bag to increase circulation. Still swollen to the point where I can't see my ankles.

Week 7:
Foot now in neutral. Still limited ROM... not much change. Noticing less blueness when standing. Not sure if this is related to the wheat bag use. Swelling (edema) has decreased slightly, with the top of my foot looking less swollen. Have also started with some quadriceps exercise to try and improve strength as recommended by my physio friend. Tried walking without aid of crutches (whilst still in the CAM walker) today at the 7 week mark and can manage a few steps. Will stop because I don't want to re-rupture it. Physio has added a stretching exercise - where I put a length of material around my foot and push against it.

Was watching Anne of Green Gables: The Sequel... Don't know why, but why is heartbreak/unrequited love waaaaay more romantic?

Also, dskjsdkjlds Gilbert Blythe.

Note to older self: should I get married, I would like my hair in a side chignon.

(http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/229001/diy-wedding-updos/@center/272465/get-wedding-ready-guide)

Physio didn't change BOTH dials... at least, that's what I think. Ended up having to adjust one of the dials myself. It feels so odd not having my foot in plantarflexion.

Today my brother wanted to use my laptop. Note: he has a tendency to throw stuff and lick screens so naturally, I closed my laptop and said no. Brother simply runs out of the room. Five minutes later, mum finds him on my sister's laptop, looking up youtube videos of Blue's Clues. Further note: my brother has Down Syndrome and he's autistic.
Brother for the win.

Physio changed my CAM walker to neutral... an improvement, I suppose. Means I can put my two feet side by side finally.


fdljksdfkjdsf I want to walk. Especially since I'm being fed so well, I need to get myself moving again otherwise I'm going to look like a fat turd on two skinny atrophied legs.

Aaaargh! I reaaaaally wish I hadn't looked up spoilers for Mass Effect 3 :( Of course, I will think the very opposite, should E. choose not to play it with me in April.

But hmmm :(((((((((( Bioware, why did you have to kill off TWO of my FAVOURITE characters?!

Note to self: tell E. about the Mass Effect 2 DLC - Arrival

Was slightly disappointed when E. said he didn't want to talk because he was tired.

Got used to it after a moment.

E. said he'd call tomorrow from the airport.

Both suddenly had an "Oh, shit" moment when we realised that it was not going to be offpeak hours.

Decided to give up the rest of my minutes.

Utterly satisfied when E. said he was seriously considering coming back down south before starting med school for the year.

Brilliant idea: hiding deer tendons in wontons. Now I will happily eat them without gagging.