I am bored witless... with no prep and no compulsive need to study, my evenings are filled with tedium. As much as I love sleeping in until 9am during weekends, I'm almost glad for work. I could study. But then again, who does that voluntarily?

I am currently tickled pink. I was worried that my room decor might've been slightly on the eclectic side... but it seems that I've garnered a few admiring looks.

Ughhhhh welcome to the post-E. hangover. Also known as the low after my high. I have to wait till April. A P R I L to see him. I swear, I didn't feel so down last time. Probably because I had friends around and also because I only had a month and a half to go. Oh, and the blindingly obvious fact that I wasn't supposed to miss him. And now because I'm allowed to miss him, I just feel all blue. Shades of violet and positively azure.

TWO SHOES! (nearly 10 weeks post injury). Still hobbling like an old lady, but at least I won't garner looks from everyone when I walk past. Ugh, I don't know why a moonboot makes people want to stare.

Good news from the orthopaedic registrar: he dismissed the ultrasound as being not a very good diagnostic tool and did a physical exam on my tendon. He was very pleased with how my tendon was healing up :)

It makes me feel much more relieved. Ah, now I feel quite alone with my dad gone. It's like my security blanket's gone and I have to do things for myself. I still maintain that my road is probably the biggest hurdle. Why did I pick such a steep road to live on?

Regardless, I am very much relieved (and thankful to God) that things aren't complicated further.

Life is hanging on the edge by the thread. And no one, except E. and my parents understand. I almost wish I didn't have that ultrasound done. It was done to ease my fears of re-rupturing my Achilles, but it seems that it may have created something else.

The radiologist who looked at my ultrasound says that my Achilles is not healing up well and that he recommends for me to have surgery. So on Wednesday, I have an appointment with the orthopaedic consultant over in the hospital. If I need surgery, this royally screws up the rest of my life. And I'm not being overly melodramatic. If I need surgery, I will go back home to Wellington. This poses a problem because I will not be able to do my intern year. Some of you may ask, well, why not do it next year? Well, because I want to apply for med. Well then, why not just do your intern year in 2013 and then apply for med at the end of 2013 for entry into the 2014 class? Well, because by that point, it would've already been 3 years since I graduated and so I wouldn't be able to apply for medicine under the postgraduate category, not to mention, waiting another year (i.e. 2013) to do my intern year means waiting out the whole of 2012... and every student knows that as soon as exams are over, you forget 90% of the material you study... therefore decreasing my chances of even passing my intern year in 2013 for a start. Oh, and for pharmacy, we need to be registered within 2 years of graduating.

Oh, and ACC won't pay for transport costs. Because I injured myself the day before I was in paid employment. Oh, I wish I had never picked up a badminton racquet. I also wish that I had surgically mended my Achilles when I injured it, 9 weeks ago.

It's so hard to trust God because at the moment, I feel so helpless. And no one around me seems to understand what sort of a hole I'm in.

I miss him :( in some aspects, this year will be harder than last year. Last year I didn't have a right to miss him. That was just enough to keep me from mooning over him like a lost possession. This year... I will need to try and take a step back because keeping my distance in terms of clingyness (yet maintaining that emotional connection) seemed to do the trick.

I can't help it. Every time I look at those graduation photos, all I can think about... is rage. In fact, all I can do is rage. Inexplicable rage.

A more pleasant note: my mother heated up my bean bag for my ankle but was busy when the microwave dinged. A moment later, I hear the microwave open and close... and my brother wanders into my room holding the bean bag. He's a precious one.

postscript: maple syrup and almond cake is divine. tastes like madeira cake
(http://www.grouprecipes.com/18417/maple-syrup-cake.html)... replaced the pecans/walnuts with almonds. added some texture.