Day Eighteen

I hate walking through town and seeing happy couples, hand in hand, arms intertwined. Happiness is subjective. You're only happy if someone else is miserable because there's an inbalance. If we were all happy, then no one would be sticking out from the crowd, ergo, no one would be comparatively happy.

The world should be just shades of grey without flashes of colour. Because then we all would be blissfully ignorant of the fact that things could be better.

Day Sixteen and Seventeen

It still aches. It's like a smouldering wreck and every once in a while, something is still burning brightly. The odd ember when you hear a certain song, when you remember a fond memory.
Talking is the only way I'm coping but it leaves me strangely hollow at the same time because I want more than words.

It's not a matter of wanting to give more. It's a matter of not being able to.

Day Fifteen

When you are no longer going out, one must realise that you are no longer a priority in his life.
One must also realise that he will not remember any significant events even if you remember all of his.
One must also realise that he will not seek you out and talk to you.
One must also realise that he will not reply to your messages.
One must realise that one must learn how to cope on your own.

Day Fourteen

Why is breaking up so hard?
Correction: why is breaking up while you still love each other so hard?
That in itself, is a rhetorical question and yet, I would still like the answer. I think the only reason why I'm dealing so far is because we're still talking every day. It helps but it doesn't remove the pain. Of course nothing does. The only cure would be catching the next flight back.

Or moving on. I'm not ready for that just yet.

Day Twelve and Thirteen

You popped the bubble.
I'm not okay
and life just drags me along.

Day Eleven

I am confused. There was a verbal preposition by him to "maybe play a computer game" later last night. So I waited around for a few hours online and he did not appear online. Finally too tired, I texted him saying that I was sorry, but I was simply too tired to stay awake. I wasn't mad or upset at him for not telling me not to wait up. The next morning, I get a text from him saying that he got held up... and then the text finished with "my bad".

My bad. What on earth am I supposed to take away from that? I was not mad that he didn't end up playing that computer game with me. Nor was I mad that he didn't tell me earlier not to wait up for him. The word 'maybe' is not binding. Nor do I have any expectations from him and so, he hasn't done anything wrong. So why end it with 'my bad'? If you were sorry, why didn't you say so instead? If you weren't sorry, why add 'my bad'? What the fuck is meant by 'my bad'? And why didn't you just finish with a 'goodnight' like you used to?

Day Nine and Ten

I don't know if I'm feeling better because I'm talking to him every day. I've finally been able to open up my iTunes without fear of hearing songs that may trigger sadness, although High School Musical and Backstreet Boys might do it, regardless of my efforts.
I thought this was appropriate:

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands

Well, no more,
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd maybe stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Someday, say it's coming soon
Someday, without you
All I can do
Is to get me pass the ghost of you
Wave goodbye to me
Won't say I'm sorry
I'll be alright
Once I find the other side of someday

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

- Sara Bareilles 'Gonna Get Over You'