Day Fourteen

Why is breaking up so hard?
Correction: why is breaking up while you still love each other so hard?
That in itself, is a rhetorical question and yet, I would still like the answer. I think the only reason why I'm dealing so far is because we're still talking every day. It helps but it doesn't remove the pain. Of course nothing does. The only cure would be catching the next flight back.

Or moving on. I'm not ready for that just yet.

Day Twelve and Thirteen

You popped the bubble.
I'm not okay
and life just drags me along.

Day Eleven

I am confused. There was a verbal preposition by him to "maybe play a computer game" later last night. So I waited around for a few hours online and he did not appear online. Finally too tired, I texted him saying that I was sorry, but I was simply too tired to stay awake. I wasn't mad or upset at him for not telling me not to wait up. The next morning, I get a text from him saying that he got held up... and then the text finished with "my bad".

My bad. What on earth am I supposed to take away from that? I was not mad that he didn't end up playing that computer game with me. Nor was I mad that he didn't tell me earlier not to wait up for him. The word 'maybe' is not binding. Nor do I have any expectations from him and so, he hasn't done anything wrong. So why end it with 'my bad'? If you were sorry, why didn't you say so instead? If you weren't sorry, why add 'my bad'? What the fuck is meant by 'my bad'? And why didn't you just finish with a 'goodnight' like you used to?

Day Nine and Ten

I don't know if I'm feeling better because I'm talking to him every day. I've finally been able to open up my iTunes without fear of hearing songs that may trigger sadness, although High School Musical and Backstreet Boys might do it, regardless of my efforts.
I thought this was appropriate:

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands

Well, no more,
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd maybe stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Someday, say it's coming soon
Someday, without you
All I can do
Is to get me pass the ghost of you
Wave goodbye to me
Won't say I'm sorry
I'll be alright
Once I find the other side of someday

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

- Sara Bareilles 'Gonna Get Over You'

Day Eight

I still feel sad sometimes and check my phone too frequently for it to be healthy, but I think I'm slowly recovering. Sometimes I just don't want to recover because it means I'll forget. And I don't think that would be fair because being with him was possibly the best two years of my life so far. So a small dose of sadness is still reasonable. It'll be a long journey, but this marks one small step. I know that I'm going to be sad again, but I'll take whatever small victory I can get.

Day Seven

You know how some people are just so damn happy that they get on your nerves every time you see them? I can now see why they attract instant irritation. Especially when you feel like shit.
Except, today's shit isn't as bad as how I've felt for the past few mornings. I don't know if it's because I'm just so sleepy from watching Grey's Anatomy till 2:30am or because I am possibly starting to climb out of this pit of self-pity. Oh look, a pun.
Actually, I think I know why now. Damn. I don't think I'm climbing out any time soon.

Day Six

Funny how fast the anger fades when you think about things logically. Similarly, it's almost funny how anger always fades back into sadness. Not being his girlfriend means that I no longer have a right to expect that he will reply to every single thing that I send him, that he will not always talk to me every day, that he will not talk to me when I see him online. It's almost ironic. When we were going out, I would never reply, never care if he didn't. And now it seems almost the opposite; because now I am just hanging on for any sign from him.

I am ashamed to say that I hope that he is as sad as I am. Definitely selfish. But it reassures me also because otherwise I am left to believe that even after two years, I am now nothing to him. And for that, I am sorry.