Day Eight

I still feel sad sometimes and check my phone too frequently for it to be healthy, but I think I'm slowly recovering. Sometimes I just don't want to recover because it means I'll forget. And I don't think that would be fair because being with him was possibly the best two years of my life so far. So a small dose of sadness is still reasonable. It'll be a long journey, but this marks one small step. I know that I'm going to be sad again, but I'll take whatever small victory I can get.

Day Seven

You know how some people are just so damn happy that they get on your nerves every time you see them? I can now see why they attract instant irritation. Especially when you feel like shit.
Except, today's shit isn't as bad as how I've felt for the past few mornings. I don't know if it's because I'm just so sleepy from watching Grey's Anatomy till 2:30am or because I am possibly starting to climb out of this pit of self-pity. Oh look, a pun.
Actually, I think I know why now. Damn. I don't think I'm climbing out any time soon.

Day Six

Funny how fast the anger fades when you think about things logically. Similarly, it's almost funny how anger always fades back into sadness. Not being his girlfriend means that I no longer have a right to expect that he will reply to every single thing that I send him, that he will not always talk to me every day, that he will not talk to me when I see him online. It's almost ironic. When we were going out, I would never reply, never care if he didn't. And now it seems almost the opposite; because now I am just hanging on for any sign from him.

I am ashamed to say that I hope that he is as sad as I am. Definitely selfish. But it reassures me also because otherwise I am left to believe that even after two years, I am now nothing to him. And for that, I am sorry.

Day Five

You know the stages of grieving and acceptance? I wonder where I am at now. Possibly somewhere between denial and grief. Possibly with a touch of anger. One thing I know for certain: time is just slowly dragging me along. It feels odd not having a single thing to look forward to. Or anything that makes you want to delay time. I can't look forward any more to the start of a new year, but I'm not dreading anything either because the worst has already happened.
I can't stop hoping, but I have to admit to myself that he's already gone, most likely forever. I don't know why I still feel the urge to talk to him every single night. Old habits die hard, I guess. It just annoys me because it feels like I'm the only one who sits waiting, dying almost, to hear a scrap from him. Unhealthy, yes. Desperate? Also an affirmative. But I don't want to keep on initiating.

I am just so fucking pathetic.

Day Four

Much of the same horrible feeling when I wake up. I think that I am slowly coming to the realisation that we have broken up. I want to continue hoping that one day we'll get back together again, but you seem pretty steadfast on getting over me instead. A dull ache fills me for most of the day which then gets sharp when I see things that remind me of you; a rubik's cube, kittens, steak on the menu.
I feel an overwhelming urge to talk to you, but it already feels like barriers and boundaries have already been set in place between us. I wouldn't call it awkwardness. Just some sort of unsaid law that stops us from saying what we really want to say to each other. So I'll say those words now: Three words, eight letters, followed naturally by I still miss you.

Day Three

The times that are the worst are when I wake up and right before I sleep. For now, I've stopped sobbing at random times during the day and the pain that was once really sharp is now slowly becoming a dull ache in my chest. It's like I have a hollow in my heart where you used to be that is just slowly healing.
I can't stop referring to you as my boyfriend in my brain, which clearly needs re-wiring. Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way too. I just wish that I meant enough to you to consider an alternative, although I have no right to demand that of you. For now, I just miss you.

Day Two

You said to stop hoping.
I can't because hope is the only thing that is stopping me from collapsing into a spiral of despair. Every morning I wake up and all I feel is an empty hollowness where you used to be. Please don't blame me for trying to delay the knowledge that you are gone forever.