Day Five

You know the stages of grieving and acceptance? I wonder where I am at now. Possibly somewhere between denial and grief. Possibly with a touch of anger. One thing I know for certain: time is just slowly dragging me along. It feels odd not having a single thing to look forward to. Or anything that makes you want to delay time. I can't look forward any more to the start of a new year, but I'm not dreading anything either because the worst has already happened.
I can't stop hoping, but I have to admit to myself that he's already gone, most likely forever. I don't know why I still feel the urge to talk to him every single night. Old habits die hard, I guess. It just annoys me because it feels like I'm the only one who sits waiting, dying almost, to hear a scrap from him. Unhealthy, yes. Desperate? Also an affirmative. But I don't want to keep on initiating.

I am just so fucking pathetic.

Day Four

Much of the same horrible feeling when I wake up. I think that I am slowly coming to the realisation that we have broken up. I want to continue hoping that one day we'll get back together again, but you seem pretty steadfast on getting over me instead. A dull ache fills me for most of the day which then gets sharp when I see things that remind me of you; a rubik's cube, kittens, steak on the menu.
I feel an overwhelming urge to talk to you, but it already feels like barriers and boundaries have already been set in place between us. I wouldn't call it awkwardness. Just some sort of unsaid law that stops us from saying what we really want to say to each other. So I'll say those words now: Three words, eight letters, followed naturally by I still miss you.

Day Three

The times that are the worst are when I wake up and right before I sleep. For now, I've stopped sobbing at random times during the day and the pain that was once really sharp is now slowly becoming a dull ache in my chest. It's like I have a hollow in my heart where you used to be that is just slowly healing.
I can't stop referring to you as my boyfriend in my brain, which clearly needs re-wiring. Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way too. I just wish that I meant enough to you to consider an alternative, although I have no right to demand that of you. For now, I just miss you.

Day Two

You said to stop hoping.
I can't because hope is the only thing that is stopping me from collapsing into a spiral of despair. Every morning I wake up and all I feel is an empty hollowness where you used to be. Please don't blame me for trying to delay the knowledge that you are gone forever.

Day One

It's only been a few hours since I last saw you and we said goodbye to each other but I haven't stopped crying since this morning. Grief is a funny thing; you cry and feel like you just want to curl up into the foetal position. Then you go through a convalesence period, when you feel like you just don't have any more tears left and all the feeling you have left is a cold numbness. Then when you see something that triggers a memory, you start to cry again.
I feel so alone and isolated without you, knowing that I can't just call you and tell you everything that is on my mind. I can't even eat a meal without crying because I remember the way you divide up your meal into portions and eat each fraction slowly.
Part of me still thinks that when I come back next year that you'll be there to greet me. But then I remember that you're actually gone forever and you'll never look at me that way again.
I just want to come back and have you hold me together because it feels like every part of me has shattered and I can't find the pieces any more.

Eleven days

I'm sorry brain for thinking so much;
I'm sorry stomach for all the butterflies.
I'm sorry pillow for all those tears I cried;
I'm sorry heart for making you break.

But curse his cold heart and unfeeling ways.

Footpaths

I think it should be a crime for couples to hold hands while walking down a (narrow) street. They just take up twice the amount of room so you're forced to do this awkward sidestep shuffle. It's like "Oh hey! Imma gonna try to make you jealous 'cause I'm in such a blissful state with my other half AND sorry mate, please get out of our way 'cause this tandem bike ain't moving aside for anyone."
Eat. My. Faeces.