a w o r d t o t h e s i l e n c e

2012-01-27T21:14:00.001+13:00

TWO SHOES! (nearly 10 weeks post injury). Still hobbling like an old lady, but at least I won't garner looks from everyone when I walk past. Ugh, I don't know why a moonboot makes people want to stare.

2012-01-25T16:21:00.001+13:00

Good news from the orthopaedic registrar: he dismissed the ultrasound as being not a very good diagnostic tool and did a physical exam on my tendon. He was very pleased with how my tendon was healing up :)

It makes me feel much more relieved. Ah, now I feel quite alone with my dad gone. It's like my security blanket's gone and I have to do things for myself. I still maintain that my road is probably the biggest hurdle. Why did I pick such a steep road to live on?

Regardless, I am very much relieved (and thankful to God) that things aren't complicated further.

2012-01-22T19:32:00.003+13:00

Life is hanging on the edge by the thread. And no one, except E. and my parents understand. I almost wish I didn't have that ultrasound done. It was done to ease my fears of re-rupturing my Achilles, but it seems that it may have created something else.

The radiologist who looked at my ultrasound says that my Achilles is not healing up well and that he recommends for me to have surgery. So on Wednesday, I have an appointment with the orthopaedic consultant over in the hospital. If I need surgery, this royally screws up the rest of my life. And I'm not being overly melodramatic. If I need surgery, I will go back home to Wellington. This poses a problem because I will not be able to do my intern year. Some of you may ask, well, why not do it next year? Well, because I want to apply for med. Well then, why not just do your intern year in 2013 and then apply for med at the end of 2013 for entry into the 2014 class? Well, because by that point, it would've already been 3 years since I graduated and so I wouldn't be able to apply for medicine under the postgraduate category, not to mention, waiting another year (i.e. 2013) to do my intern year means waiting out the whole of 2012... and every student knows that as soon as exams are over, you forget 90% of the material you study... therefore decreasing my chances of even passing my intern year in 2013 for a start. Oh, and for pharmacy, we need to be registered within 2 years of graduating.

Oh, and ACC won't pay for transport costs. Because I injured myself the day before I was in paid employment. Oh, I wish I had never picked up a badminton racquet. I also wish that I had surgically mended my Achilles when I injured it, 9 weeks ago.

It's so hard to trust God because at the moment, I feel so helpless. And no one around me seems to understand what sort of a hole I'm in.

2012-01-15T19:22:00.002+13:00

I miss him :( in some aspects, this year will be harder than last year. Last year I didn't have a right to miss him. That was just enough to keep me from mooning over him like a lost possession. This year... I will need to try and take a step back because keeping my distance in terms of clingyness (yet maintaining that emotional connection) seemed to do the trick.

2012-01-14T14:54:00.005+13:00

I can't help it. Every time I look at those graduation photos, all I can think about... is rage. In fact, all I can do is rage. Inexplicable rage.

A more pleasant note: my mother heated up my bean bag for my ankle but was busy when the microwave dinged. A moment later, I hear the microwave open and close... and my brother wanders into my room holding the bean bag. He's a precious one.

postscript: maple syrup and almond cake is divine. tastes like madeira cake
(http://www.grouprecipes.com/18417/maple-syrup-cake.html)... replaced the pecans/walnuts with almonds. added some texture.

2012-01-13T16:40:00.003+13:00

Now, I know why patients are called thus.

Went to another physio yesterday - she was much more thorough in terms of her taking of my history and physical assessment. She didn't however, massage my calf... which was something that I had been looking forward to for the entire week. Lambasting physios has been somewhat of a favourite pastime this last week, because to me, I still have yet to find one that I like. Or maybe I'm just fussy.

She also made me walk. Unaided. Without my CAM walker on. I can barely heel-lift and toe-off as it is. In fact, I really wouldn't call it walking, more like an undignified shuffle. She's also added another exercise: standing on my invalid leg and balancing myself on said leg for ten seconds. And my goodness, are my muscles atrophied.

I am going to bake a cake this evening in hopes that it will cure me of this sudden rage that I feel. Or I'm just PMS-ing because my period is supposedly due. Either way, excessive amounts of sugar should do the trick.

2012-01-11T22:33:00.001+13:00

Aargh physio exercises are so tedious :/ but at least my present for E. is going well. Painstakingly, I have painted words onto a pillowcase. So far, no slip ups. I have however, left the hardest word to paint for tomorrow.

2012-01-10T19:34:00.002+13:00

I am so, so afraid of re-rupturing my Achilles. Been reading up on a few articles and surgical, along with the increased chance of wound healing complications has a lower rate of re-rupture. No pain, no gain, I suppose.

It wasn't me being afraid of surgery or its complications that made me pick the conservative route. After all, I seemed to have healed from my inguinal hernia repair just fine. It was more the fact that if I chose to have surgery, I knew that it would cause much more hassle in terms of someone looking after me. And stubbornly, I wasn't ready to come back home yet.

I just hope that I don't overwork myself and take myself back 8 weeks.

2012-01-09T22:52:00.002+13:00

I've noticed my ankle gets reaaally stiff at night. Not too sure if this is just due to edema or my tendon stiffening up as the day goes by. I feel like an old woman who needs to massage/put my feet up at the end of the day.

Bought the shoes I've been after for a while now. And started making E's belated Christmas/early birthday present. It's going pretty well - a variation of this design you see here below in this link:
http://piccsy.com/2011/06/dreaming-ozytzlzdg/
Of course, my pillowcases are customised. Should be excitingness. I start the harder part tomorrow. Will require me to have a steady hand!

2012-01-08T00:32:00.007+13:00

So I had a look around and saw a few people blogging their experiences regarding their Achilles tendon ruptures. Thing is, there's so few on people who went the non surgical/conservative route.

So, I figure I should add in something, should someone really need to compare/look.
Weeks 1 and 2:
plaster of paris cast (to allow for swelling). Foot in equinus. Have Asian mother who has insisted that I eat deer tendons. No harm except they taste like arse.

Weeks 3 and 4:
Fibreglass cast. Also in equinus.
Pain: minimal. Some swelling, which was more noticeable in the first 2 weeks post injury, especially if I had been standing on my crutches for long periods of time.
Frivolous detail: arms were not used to supporting weight, but got more used to it in weeks 3 and 4. Being in a fibreglass cast helped the most because it's way lighter than a gypsum (plaster of paris) cast. Also something to note is "cyclist's palsy". This occurred (and still does) when I've been crutching for long periods of time. Essentially the tip of my fourth finger on the side that has the affected foot goes numb. This is most likely from inflammation (as a result of me support body weight on to my hand) impinging the nerve that runs along that finger. It disappears after a few hours although I have noticed that the longer I crutch, the longer it takes for the numbness to subside.

Week 5:
In moonboot/CAM walker. Foot in 20 degrees. Also started doing some plantarflexion and dorsiflexion at the physio.
Pain: minimal (maybe 2/10) when I've pulled it too much up. It's more of an odd stretching feeling as if my tendon is reaaaaally stiff and I'm forcing it to move.
Frivolous details: tendon is as thick as ass. Some bruising and swelling is quite bad to the point that my toes stick together. Oh, and dead skin peeling when you finally get to shower is disgusting. And if you don't wash your socks often, your feet will smell bad.

Week 6:
Foot now in 10 degrees. Dorsiflexion and plantarflexion is coming easily now. Still limited ROM (range of motion) compared to my uninjured left foot. Also have started to put some weight on it when I use my crutches. Physio has added some isometric calf exercises to try and decrease muscle wasting.
Pain: same as above.
Frivolous details: foot goes blue when I stand for too long out of the CAM walker (e.g. when showering). Have started using wheat bag to increase circulation. Still swollen to the point where I can't see my ankles.

Week 7:
Foot now in neutral. Still limited ROM... not much change. Noticing less blueness when standing. Not sure if this is related to the wheat bag use. Swelling (edema) has decreased slightly, with the top of my foot looking less swollen. Have also started with some quadriceps exercise to try and improve strength as recommended by my physio friend. Tried walking without aid of crutches (whilst still in the CAM walker) today at the 7 week mark and can manage a few steps. Will stop because I don't want to re-rupture it. Physio has added a stretching exercise - where I put a length of material around my foot and push against it.

2012-01-07T17:34:00.001+13:00

Was watching Anne of Green Gables: The Sequel... Don't know why, but why is heartbreak/unrequited love waaaaay more romantic?

Also, dskjsdkjlds Gilbert Blythe.

2012-01-07T12:52:00.002+13:00

Note to older self: should I get married, I would like my hair in a side chignon.

(http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/229001/diy-wedding-updos/@center/272465/get-wedding-ready-guide)

2012-01-06T21:35:00.002+13:00

Physio didn't change BOTH dials... at least, that's what I think. Ended up having to adjust one of the dials myself. It feels so odd not having my foot in plantarflexion.

Today my brother wanted to use my laptop. Note: he has a tendency to throw stuff and lick screens so naturally, I closed my laptop and said no. Brother simply runs out of the room. Five minutes later, mum finds him on my sister's laptop, looking up youtube videos of Blue's Clues. Further note: my brother has Down Syndrome and he's autistic.
Brother for the win.

2012-01-05T22:58:00.002+13:00

Physio changed my CAM walker to neutral... an improvement, I suppose. Means I can put my two feet side by side finally.

fdljksdfkjdsf I want to walk. Especially since I'm being fed so well, I need to get myself moving again otherwise I'm going to look like a fat turd on two skinny atrophied legs.

2012-01-04T22:59:00.002+13:00

Aaaargh! I reaaaaally wish I hadn't looked up spoilers for Mass Effect 3 :( Of course, I will think the very opposite, should E. choose not to play it with me in April.

But hmmm :(((((((((( Bioware, why did you have to kill off TWO of my FAVOURITE characters?!

2012-01-03T23:43:00.001+13:00

Note to self: tell E. about the Mass Effect 2 DLC - Arrival

2012-01-03T00:32:00.004+13:00

Was slightly disappointed when E. said he didn't want to talk because he was tired.

Got used to it after a moment.

E. said he'd call tomorrow from the airport.

Both suddenly had an "Oh, shit" moment when we realised that it was not going to be offpeak hours.

Decided to give up the rest of my minutes.

Utterly satisfied when E. said he was seriously considering coming back down south before starting med school for the year.

2012-01-01T22:01:00.002+13:00

Brilliant idea: hiding deer tendons in wontons. Now I will happily eat them without gagging.

2011-12-31T16:11:00.006+13:00

My year in retrospect...

It began and I really didn't have great expectations for it, probably because I had just had my heart broken.
I didn't really look forward to anything. But it turned out that I had some pretty awesome friends who I really came to know and love. Those nights staying up finishing that damned elective project - I'm really going to cherish, even though I probably didn't look it at the time.
I also discovered my love for coffee and cinnamon pinwheels, cheesecake and Modaks pizza. And clothes. Oh, countless amounts of clothes.
I had my ego battered and torn, and sank into a hole when it came to finding a job post graduation. I had to trust God on that one. Still have to.
Broke my Achilles... that probably complicated the year the most. Still does. But looking back, I am so glad that it happened... it let me see how much my family cares for me. And most importantly, I got to spend a month with someone who truly friggin loves me and now, we can maaaaybe, just maybe, start planning our future together. And that's probably the best present that 2011 has given me.

2011-12-30T11:00:00.002+13:00

Now I know why I dislike going home: it's the whole array of activities that must proceed like clockwork. Oh, and having my meals planned out for me. That sucks too. Don't get me wrong - I like being at home. But it's just so different from the freedom that I have when I'm in my own flat.

Oh, and E's company. The lack of it sucks too. It sucks so much that I even miss him calling me ridiculous pet names.

2011-12-26T14:54:00.002+13:00

I just heard the first cicada of summer. Funny, I thought that it was far too south (and icy) for any cicadas to live here.

2011-12-20T14:53:00.002+13:00

Life is up in the air with this injury. I just want to start work like the rest of my classmates, lest I fall behind. Sometimes, I wonder if I should've just applied straight away instead of completing my intern year.

I've managed to move the largest pieces of my furniture to the new flat, so at least that's one weight off my chest. Just some random odds and ends to do, which of course, is complicated by the fact that I'm still using them.

- clean flat before 31st Dec (i.e. wipe down kitchen and bathroom sinks and benches)
- pack remaining things, e.g. bowls and cups, laundry lines, linen and pillows
- pack for home
- find someplace to store items until return

Also, this relocation business is just a pain because I want to internet shop and I don't know where I'm going to be in a few weeks so I can't buy things because I don't know what delivery address to use :(

2011-12-16T21:17:00.002+13:00

Bichon crosses are the way to go. They are hands down, the most adorable looking dogs ever.

Also, strawberries and cream atop my cake? Pure win. Now to make mum's friend a cake too. If I can't eat carbs, I might as well bake for other people.

(note to self: that cake recipe that is present on my blog is possibly the best chocolate recipe ever. It was easy and the results were friggin amazing).

2011-12-15T16:19:00.002+13:00

Oh, my goodness. I am SUCH an idiot. Who on EARTH tries to make icing with WHITE SUGAR?!

note to self: cut snowflakes from paper and join up three to four in a row and suspend from ceiling

2011-12-14T21:29:00.001+13:00

http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/33/Peanut_Butter_Frosting52823.shtml

plus peanut butter icing

2011-12-14T21:07:00.003+13:00

Cake recipe (from http://allrecipes.com/recipe/one-bowl-chocolate-cake-iii/detail.aspx)

Ingredients

2 cups white sugar
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 cup milk
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup boiling water

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour two nine inch round pans.
In a large bowl, stir together the sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add the eggs, milk, oil and vanilla, mix for 2 minutes on medium speed of mixer. Stir in the boiling water last. Batter will be thin. Pour evenly into the prepared pans.
Bake 30 to 35 minutes in the preheated oven, until the cake tests done with a toothpick. Cool in the pans for 10 minutes, then remove to a wire rack to cool completely

2011-12-11T21:18:00.003+13:00

note to older self: the cat is going to be called Mr Bigglesworth and Pudge. And if we have a third cat, it is called Zazzles.

further note to self: if the cat is ginger, it has to be called Mr Bigglesworth in memory of Mr Bingley.

2011-12-06T11:56:00.005+13:00

After graduation, I let my friend graffiti it. But now I highly doubt that what she's done is considered as graffiti. Impressive, non?

The back is also quite cool - she's drawn the muscles in as well.

p.s. Finally got my hands on Bic Runga's newest album. Well worth my $20.

note to myself: when I get better, must try this recipe - http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/apricot-blondies

further note to oneself: fairy lights in jars.

2011-12-02T16:14:00.002+13:00

I just cut myself some paper snowflakes. I thought it was both whimsical and able to save me from boredom.

Although weirdly enough, when one of my flatmates came back today, it took me an hour before I felt comfortable enough to leave my room because I was so used to being alone. And now that they're back, I don't know how I managed to stay sane for so long whilst being alone. Well, I've only been completely alone for three days seeing as E. was with me most of the time last week.

2011-12-01T22:06:00.008+13:00

I hope it's not hot on Saturday (i.e. the day of graduation). My robes are so heavy and long... I'd probably overheat. And trip.

Also, I would rage here. But I know this blog is read. And as much as I would like to lambaste this individual, I shall refrain from doing so. I don't know why the handicapped don't rage. Because it's only been two weeks and I fucking want to yell at people already. Well, the person who I seem to end up releasing all my anger on is my mother and she really doesn't deserve it. There have been some people who without them, I probably would've self combusted by now. I love them so much and I don't know how on earth I'm ever going to thank them.

And then there are others who I just want to give a kick up their uptight arses.

p.s. there is a NEVER ENDING list of people who I can't even begin to thank. I should not let the fact that ONE person decided to be a dick irritate the crap out of me.

2011-11-30T20:35:00.004+13:00

Currently as poor as a church mouse due to the fact that I can't work. This sucks because today I found a lovely pleated maxi dress that I would like to call my own.

Also, it is a beautiful day today and I smell. This sucks because I can't shower properly on the account of my plaster of paris cast falling to pieces.

Also, my flat now smells of burnt brownie. And I am full.

Also, I would like to have money so I can buy Bic Runga's newest album.

2011-11-29T21:17:00.003+13:00

Note to self: homemade snow globes as presents/decorations. I cannot wait until I can walk around so I can make some.

http://www.cambio.com/2011/11/28/taylor-swift-christmas-snow-globes/

I also hope that by the time I get better, some things will also have changed. It's odd to think that it took a broken Achilles to get a confession. And if this broken Achilles leads to something else, then I will happily thank God every day that He allowed it to break.

2011-11-24T23:46:00.004+13:00

The lyrics of Bruno Mars's song "It will Rain" are hauntingly prophetic.

It seems that along with a broken Achilles tendon, I will need to nurse myself a broken heart. So here goes, I suppose.

Another 365 days of journal entries, each day to signify how much I'll miss you... when you finally decide to leave me.

This time, probably for good.

I really don't know if I can go through what I went through a year ago. And I don't really want to either.

I'm sorry that I have to leave you. But I'm so sorry that you won't give that 0.1% a chance because I was willing to take you on those odds.

Year 2: Day Three

2011-11-19T22:02:00.003+13:00

Sooo let's skip a few blog entries back to where I was ranting about dentists. Let me rant again: remember how I asked my dentist when I should worry about my wisdom teeth and she said that "this isn't the first priority"?

Well, dentist. You happen to suck.

Last night I went to sleep with a slightly swollen gum and woke up two hours later, unable to close my jaws because my gum was that swollen. E. had a look and thought my wisdom teeth were coming in but that amount of inflammation was generally not normal. After some dicing around, we both decided to go to the ED. At 3am.

Let me just digress by saying how much I love the ED at Dunedin Hospital... especially at night. At night there are no wailing babies/unruly children/you get the hint. This makes for rapid and efficient service.

Anyway, so I go present myself at the ED for the second time and got hit by a major sense of deja vu from last time when E. drove me to the ED for suspected appendicitis at 5am. They even put me in the same room as last time. I admit, I had a sense of cynicism about how much doctors could do about my swollen gum... because last time I checked, this was probably a job for a dentist. I was pretty much expecting a doctor to look briefly into my mouth and send me home with some ibuprofen. Mind you, I had considered taking some ibuprofen but decided I couldn't on the account that I couldn't take it with food seeing as I had lost the ability to chew.

I was pleasantly surprised. The doctor who saw me was a maxillo-facial in training. He was also kinda cute. But I didn't mention this to E., who was at this point, looking like he wanted to fall asleep on his feet. Said doctor was also humming under his breath, which made me conclude that he was slightly loopy. Or sleep deprived. He had a peep and said that yes, my wisdom teeth were coming through but a bit of my gum was trapped, causing a bit (or in my case, a lot) of inflammation. He sent me home to sleep and told me to come back in the morning to see the dentist.

Next morning, I turned up at the ED to see the hospital dentist. Slightly miffed that I had to wait an hour, but I'm not complaining because

a) it was still at the ED and my gum issues were definitely not life threatening

b) free dental care. I swear, if I had gone to see a dentist, I probably would've been charged at least $100

c) if I had gone to get my script dispensed from a private dentist, the code would've been A3... i.e. NON FRIGGIN SUBSIDISED. And I'm definitely not paying full price for my meds

d) it was a Saturday... and lazy arse private dentists are not open for business on a Saturday

Friendly hospital dentist came and got me, numbed me up and then proceeded to clear out all the pus trapped in my gum. Oh, voila. I could finally close my jaw. And best thing: IT WAS FREE. I was almost tempted to ask her to pull out the damn tooth while she was at it.

So dear dentist back at home: I would like to come back and tell you that yes, MY DAMN WISDOM TOOTH WAS AN IMMINENT PROBLEM.

But if I made an appointment to tell you, it'd probably cost me another $100 or so.

Also, I've decided that marrying a doctor isn't good enough any more, especially since my gums are being dicks. I would like to marry a maxillo-facial surgeon.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Six

2011-11-16T22:13:00.003+13:00

Exactly one year ago, I was probably sobbing uncontrollably in my room.

Tomorrow, I will be returning back. We've gone around one full circle. And while that is comforting, it's distressing in a way that we haven't moved anywhere.

It struck me that if I could've travelled forward one year exactly this time last year, I would've been surprised. Nothing has changed. We are neither one step closer or one step further. We are on a ledge in time, waiting for the ice to melt because neither of us will step aside.

And so we must wait.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Five

2011-11-15T17:42:00.002+13:00

A year ago, I was poised to say goodbye to the person who I loved, my best friend and confidante. How have things changed?

... nothing really. Except that I have a degree, good grades that will hopefully one day help me to be where I want to be, a great closet of clothes and good friends.

... I learned that he wasn't exactly the most trustworthy person.

... but I also found out how much he love(s) me still.

So really, we are an impasse. Where is there to go?

FOR THOSE READERS FROM FICTIONPRESS

2011-11-15T01:07:00.002+13:00

AN ENDING IS IN SIGHT FOR 'DECEIVING IMPRESSIONS'.

I am writing it as we speak. I hope to have the last remaining chapters for you out soon :)

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Four

2011-11-14T12:19:00.004+13:00

In all seriousness, who the hell flosses regularly? Well apparently, because of my lack of attention towards this, my gums are wrecked. To quote the dentist "I don't normally see this sort of bone (note: NOT tooth) decay in someone until they're in their forties". FORTIES!

I brush my teeth twice a day and floss... on the odd occasion. My last dental visit in the last year did not echo such ramifications as the ones insinuated by the dentist today (also, she looked somewhat snarky because she looked like she couldn't believe that a health professional could have such awful gums).

W H A T I S T H I S?

rageragerageragerage. So she refused to do anything to my teeth and bundled me off to a peridontal specialist.

Oh, and also the wisdom tooth on my bottom jaw will need to be addressed at some point. But "this is not the main concern".

But seriously, I am pretty sure I am NOT the only person in the entire world who doesn't floss regularly. Why the fuck are my gums wrecked then? And I'm pretty sure that this couldn't have happened over one year... which begs the question: why the hell didn't my previous dentist notify me of this?

And my mother will gleefully tell me "I told you so." For the countless times that she's told me to floss.

You know, at the rate things are going, exam results are probably going to come out and they're gonna be shitty. i.e. not an A+. dfslkjsfdlkjsdfkjsdflkj

postscript: marks came out. and I OWNED. the end. heheheheheheheh cackley cackle cackley. helloooo post graduate med (I hope).

Day Three Hundred and Sixty

2011-11-10T23:11:00.001+13:00

Back at home. It feels like too short a stay. But at the same time, I'm excited to be returning to Dunedin.

Day Three Hundred and Fifty Two

2011-11-02T09:56:00.003+13:00

In Christchurch and the start of our road trip :)

Kinda miss Dunedin at the moment though...

Day Three Hundred and Forty Seven

2011-10-28T23:08:00.001+13:00

Bachelor of Pharmacy = F I N

Orals went a little bit crappier than I wanted, but hey, I'm done.

And I get to see him tomorrow!!! :) :) :) :) :) (he managed to sign his contract early so he's free!)

n.b. never wear red lipstick unless you want to be hit on. continually. true story.

Day Three Hundred and Forty Six

2011-10-27T22:58:00.001+13:00

I am less than 24 hours away from finishing my Pharmacy (and hopefully, first) degree...

sdfkjdskjldsfkjldsflkj

Day Three Hundred and Forty Five

2011-10-26T23:25:00.000+13:00

One more one more one more!

Day Three Hundred and Forty Four

2011-10-25T21:47:00.001+13:00

I am raging right now. Just found a veritable cache of gold... two exams too late.

sdfkjsfdlksfdlkjsfdkjlsfdkj

Raging!!

Day Three Hundred and Forty Two AND Forty Three

2011-10-24T00:38:00.001+13:00

ALL BLACKS, YOU BEAUTIES!

Day Three Hundred and Forty Two

2011-10-22T19:57:00.000+13:00

Motivation, where art thou?

Day Three Hundred and Forty One

2011-10-21T23:12:00.002+13:00

I think I semi-owned that exam. Not total ownage... but enough to get me at least a high A to A+. My hand aches and it got incredibly veiny from the amount of writing I was doing.

I think I swallowed some of my hair when I was trimming my fringe. And now it pokes the back of my throat when I swallow.

Day Three Hundred and Forty

2011-10-20T15:45:00.004+13:00

Law was piss easy. In fact, I wish I hadn't reserved two days studying for it. Well, granted that if you were to add up all the hours that I spent over those two days actually studying, you'd probably get an aggregate of... four hours or so.

Partial agonist, you are mine;

you come when I'm unhappy,

and leave when I'm content.

I suppose you could have been

a dose of haloperidol to knock

madness out of me completely.

But then I'd end up a shaking

wreck of myself once more,

no better that I was before.

(well, aripiprazole is a partial agonist for dopamine receptors and does just that... except, I thought this metaphor could be extended).

postscript: remember that big fat ugly beast of an elective project? IT'S GOING TO BE PUBLISHED.

P U B L I S H E D! xx

oh, one day if you have the need to look up some paper on social pharmacy, you can google my name on pubmed/ovid... and come up with a journal article. with my name on it. squeeeee

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Seven AND Thirty Eight

2011-10-18T15:20:00.002+13:00

I am being massively distracted by the All Blacks.

Also, it's been raining non stop since the morning. Funsies.

The colour's disappeared from my view,

when you took it all away with you.

I sit and watch as the skies above turn to grey,

the vibrant tones of the world washed away.

So I'll just sit and ask you once more.

Look back towards me, turn around please,

all I ask is for you to think before you leave.

............................................................................. procrastination at its best. sfdljksdflkjsfd now back to law.

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Five AND Thirty Six

2011-10-16T15:00:00.004+13:00

I am staring outside my window...

... and I can see a pair of legs dangling outside my neighbour's window.

It's such a beautiful day - a shame that I am stuck inside studying. Well, I suppose if I had no exams, I'd still be inside. Probably baking or something.

Progress is going swimmingly. I'm one lecture and three workshops away from finishing my entire run through of this semester's material. Of course, it remains to be seen whether or not I've retained any of it.

Also FYI health sciences admission lady: if you did look through my transcript as you claimed to have done so, you will note that my weighted GPA is sitting around 7.9... with potential to move up to 8.00.

so... screw you.

p.s. ALL BLACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Four

2011-10-14T15:31:00.002+13:00

... I am at a disadvantage because of my pharmacy degree for post graduate entry.

Well, this blows.

First of all: my degree is harder to do well in compared to your normal run-of-the-mill BSc

Secondly: my degree owns BScs in terms of usefulness and relevance

Thirdly: If the admissions lady is telling me to look for a back up plan when she is looking at one of the top ten students in pharmacy, well, that just sucks now, doesn't it.

sfdlsfdlkjsfdkjlsfdlkjdsfkj

Also, I got so sick of Firefox crashing on me that I have now switched to Chrome. What I dislike about Chrome is that it tracks my every single move and so the next person to open Chrome will be able to see my recently closed pages... and thus, know who I have been stalking. I still have to work out how to go incognito.

Finally, exam study is going shit. Nothing is going into my head, even though my room is covered in pieces of paper with various names and mechanisms of drugs scribbled on them.

Things I would like to do in the summer:

- go to Tunnel Beach

- eat out lots

- watch a lot of Backstreet Boys music videos

Day Three Hundred and Twenty

2011-10-01T01:18:00.001+13:00

myeyesarebleeding.

aaaarghelectiveelectiveelective

Day Three Hundred and Nineteen

2011-09-29T23:27:00.004+13:00

Enter: the busiest period in my entire undergraduate degree.

(need I mention, the stakes are high?)

Day Three Hundred and Eighteen

2011-09-28T23:51:00.001+13:00

I can't concentrate :/

I hate you, Facebook.

Day Three Hundred and Seventeen

2011-09-27T22:55:00.001+13:00

Now I know why I didn't miss my period when it didn't come for 81 days.

crampitycrampitycrampity.

Day Three Hundred and Sixteen

2011-09-26T16:56:00.001+13:00

Today we had a consultant who came to lecture us. This lecturer was the kind who liked to have slides with questions on them.

Needless to say, the attending pharmacy lecturer was deeply embarrassed by our lack of knowledge.

Day Three Hundred and Fifteen

2011-09-25T20:16:00.002+13:00

Dear Daylight Saving,

Kinda needed that one hour, eh.

Much love,
Me.

Day Three Hundred and Fourteen

2011-09-24T18:57:00.001+12:00

I shouldn't need to convince myself.

Day Three Hundred and Thirteen

2011-09-23T22:53:00.001+12:00

I am not looking forward to this weekend of work...

Day Three Hundred and Twelve

2011-09-22T14:32:00.006+12:00

Bronzer and foundation is AWFUL to get off. I don't know how made up peroxide blondes wear so much make up on a regular basis.
Also, put orange paint on top of that, and it's just gross.

I am so tireddddddd... and I don't want to be stressed about work. But there's so much to do, and yet, so little time.

sfdkjdfslk also I don't want to resit UMAT. I always thought I wasn't particularly logical... here is the proof lol. I am amused... but at the same time, it's just a pain in the arse... Who the hell gets in the 86th and 97th percentile in the first two sections and then completely and utterly flunks the last section that Asians are supposedly good at? Me, apparently.

Also, the new Facebook layout is
a) not particularly aesthetically pleasing
b) kind of confusing to use
c) slightly stalkerish with a running feed of EVERYONE'S current activity
... it might actually put me off it.

In fact with everything going on around me, combined with a lack of sleep, I am going to be in a blissful state of apathy in regards to matters about him. Despite the fact that he was offering to skype his friend, and me needing to say how bloody unfair it is that I should be bumped off last week before he offered me a call... I almost don't give a fuck at the moment because I am far too tired to care.

Day Three Hundred and Ten AND Eleven

2011-09-21T11:48:00.000+12:00

Internet cut out for the evening and consequently, I had a little spaz.

It was NOT pretty.

Day Three Hundred and Nine

2011-09-19T21:00:00.001+12:00

thisweekisgoingtobesoincrediblyhecticsomuchsothaticannotaffordthetimetoputinadequatepunctuation.

Day Three Hundred and Eight

2011-09-18T15:14:00.004+12:00

Torn between two things: to do what is right, which will cost me everything, or to do what is wrong, which will cost me forever.

Day Three Hundred and Seven

2011-09-17T17:13:00.002+12:00

I find people who have the compulsion to put up countless photos of themselves in their beloved bliss incredibly annoying. Call me bitter, but it is no wonder that when the day comes when they do break up, it makes for immense entertainment.

If you're happy, then good for you. There's no need to go proclaiming to the world that you've finally found someone who'll actually acknowledge your relationship (unlike your past two 'boyfriends'). I use the term 'boyfriend' loosely here because we all know a little gossip about your previous 'relationships', don't we?

xoxo Gossip Girl.

Day Three Hundred and Six

2011-09-16T23:02:00.001+12:00

Time to be organised tomorrow...

Day Three Hundred and Five

2011-09-15T23:11:00.003+12:00

My flat for next year is GORGEOUS. Well, my room is. It has room for a queen bed and a desk AND space to walk around, as well as large windows. The best part is the adjoining sunroom which is made of windows on one side.

I am blissful.

Note to self:
- need to find fairy lights
- replace shitty electricity saving lightbulb in my touch lamp
- talk to my flatmate about buying her chest of drawers
- maybe find a partition curtain or something of the like between my room and the sunroom
- pick photos to hang from pegs on string heheheh
- nice smelling perfume/scenty things

Also, E. said cute things :)

Day Three Hundred and Four

2011-09-14T22:53:00.001+12:00

Two left feet.

Unfortunately, the owner of them is me.

Day Three Hundred and Three

2011-09-13T21:29:00.002+12:00

busybusybusy. too many things to remember to do.

1. assignment
2. study for EOMT
3. pharm revue practices
4. study for exams
5. get things ready for my APC
6. see the flat on thursday
7. book places for roadtrip

Day Three Hundred and Two

2011-09-12T22:22:00.003+12:00

ihatelawmyeyesarebleeeeding.

dsfkjsdfjlksdfkjldsflkjdfs.

How it can all be summed up as: be a good caring pharmacist and don't sell stuff to people unless they give consent. And once you have their health information, hide it in a deep hole so no one can access it. Also other pharmacists are watching you, and waiting for you screw up so they can report you to the Pharmacy Council. Don't pretend to be a dentist or a doctor, and be a proud pharmacist.

Day Three Hundred and One

2011-09-11T20:42:00.002+12:00

Today I found a pumpkin outside my front door. There was also a pile of shit. According to my flatmate, it was quite a sizeable heap... so she was certain that either a group of animals or people had decided to gather at the foot of our staircase and take a massive group dump. Luckily, by the time I left the house, the fish and chip shop owners next door had decided to rinse it all out. All I got to see were all the flies buzzing around where the shit had been.

A metaphor perhaps for how the English played the Argentineans last night?

Day Three Hundred

2011-09-11T00:02:00.000+12:00

ragerageragerageragerage.

also, i don't want to study :(

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Nine

2011-09-09T22:52:00.001+12:00

George Street studio: big room but pretty manky. I can't deal with mess... so probably not...
Cargill Street studio: more my thing, but no carpark and I don't know the amount of broadband I will get.
Conclusion: I think I will happily flat. The only reservation is the distance... humhumhumhum.

Also, I now see why we signed Sonny Bill Williams. That man passes like a pro. Also, Israel Dagg and Richard Kahui = AWESOME.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Eight

2011-09-08T23:05:00.003+12:00

So, just when I had finally come to terms with living alone next year (albeit, surrounded by the beautiful things that I want, such as lanterns and scenty oils and whatnot), I find out that I may end up flatting again.

blaaaargh.

Also, I hate chi squares.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Seven

2011-09-07T22:45:00.003+12:00

Will you hold my hand to stop me from drifting away (from you)?

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Six

2011-09-06T15:39:00.003+12:00

MUST. STOP. BUYING. CLOTHES.

sdkslkjsdfkjstfkjsdfkjsd.

Also, more depressing thought: I only have like... two and a half months before I am wearing a dispensing jacket for 21 days out of every month.

Ergo... why the hell am I buying so many clothes?!

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Five

2011-09-06T00:04:00.003+12:00

Cotton wool. Cotton wool. Cotton wool.

Lol... the skeptic (or as the British spell it, sceptic) in me is betting that this only lasts for a week or so. I think I'll go and buy myself a new dress once he reverts back to being his usual self.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Four

2011-09-04T01:43:00.002+12:00

Doubting no more.

At least, I shall try not to. Because every time I doubt, all I need to do is look at him.

Because when you see someone cry, someone who you once thought to be devoid of any extreme emotion, you would be convinced.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety Three

2011-09-03T22:38:00.005+12:00

Should we trouble the ghosts of memories past,
disturb the skeletons that hide in webs of lies?
For I fear that I shall find some secret horror;
and deal a final death blow to my faltering heart.

why am i upset? it comes down to this:
i am so, so afraid that he is lying to me. i almost don't want to know. and yet, i want to know.
fact: this happened two years ago
fact: whatever he feels for me now is deeper
fact: the boy who loves me now wouldn't hurt me

however, i don't know if i can forgive him if his actions were the result of emotional feelings towards another person. and this, this is what i am afraid of knowing.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety One AND Ninety Two

2011-09-03T01:14:00.003+12:00

I don't think I've ever seen such a look of remorse/self disgust on anyone's face before...

To be honest, my mind was made up the moment I knew.

And I know the more I think about it, the more I'm going to end up doubting myself. Doubting him. So I think I would like to stop thinking about it. I think. I think. I think.

I know that he has changed since then. I know that what he feels now is something that is real. I know that he truly regrets it.

Now all I feel is... sorrow. But I am also glad, so very glad, that this didn't ruin someone else's relationship before it even had a chance to begin.

(un)happy birthday, me.

Day Two Hundred and Ninety

2011-08-31T16:27:00.002+12:00

He. drove. me. out. to. Mosgiel.

and didn't mind that he was going to be late for a meeting with his friend.

flob flop flob flop. this is the sound of my heart being turned upside down and inside out.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Eight AND Eighty Nine

2011-08-31T01:00:00.001+12:00

Apathyapathyapathy.

Well no. I just wish I felt apathy. sfdkjldflkjfdalkjfdaj here is my heart. On a platter. Feel free to do whatever you wish to it.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Six AND Eighty Seven

2011-08-28T23:21:00.000+12:00

Apathyapathyapathy.

Blargh.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Five

2011-08-27T00:31:00.001+12:00

That was easy.

Mondaymondaymondaymondaymonday!

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Four

2011-08-25T22:47:00.002+12:00

dskjldfskjdfslkjsdfj;lafjklafdjkl i hate tests.

Especially tests that are on the day before holidays.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Three

2011-08-24T23:28:00.002+12:00

I am bemused -
also oh, so tired.
Apathy strikes.

postscript: to my older self - never ever stay up to the point where you are PAST tired... because now I guarantee that I will not be able to fall asleep before 2am.

postscript 2: do not open the E. shrine, unless you want to laugh and smile stupidly while reminiscing.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Two

2011-08-23T16:48:00.001+12:00

Colbie Caillat's 'Make It Rain' reflects my mood perfectly

I don't care what they say
Cause I have seen when we run we make it rain
Let's keep going for miles
Playin under the stormy darkened skies
Can you be mine?

Push me to the wall let them see baby I don't care at all
I'm not letting this go
Like a flower breaking through we've grown
Together now

I don't care what they say cause I have seen when we run we make it rain
There's nothing better than this
I'll keep wanting you for just one more kiss
So make it rain

When the world makes me tired, and my mind feels
like it was set on fire, you look at me and smile,
With your brown eyes you call my heart and I can breathe again.

I don't care what they say cause I have seen when we run we make it rain
There's nothing better than this
I'll keep wanting you for just one more kiss
So make it rain

I've waited for you to come
Maybe this is not the right time
Maybe we'll hold off for just a little while
Until you're mine

I don't care what they say
I have seen when we run we make it rain
There's nothing better than this
I'll keep wanting you for just one more kiss
Can you be mine?

Cause I don't care what they say
Cause I have seen when we run we make it rain
There's nothing better than this
I'll keep wanting you for just one last kiss

Can you be mine?
Can you be mine?
Can you be mine?
Ohh now you're mine

Day Two Hundred and Eighty One

2011-08-23T00:05:00.002+12:00

I think I shall stop celebrating my birthday...

That aside... I am a neurotic perfectionist who likes whole and complete numbers. And I had 99 people on Facebook who kindly said happy birthday. Except... 100 is so much nicer.
So I tell E.

And he slips in my 100th happy birthday right before the stroke of midnight.

heheheheh (this is a blissful laugh).

Day Two Hundred and Eighty

2011-08-21T23:53:00.002+12:00

One moreee week. Shall we commence yet another countdown?

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Eight AND Seventy Nine

2011-08-20T20:53:00.004+12:00

:)

I am content. Like a cat.
Also, I asked him if he considered the possibility of me making out with some other person as cheating.

Yes, the answer was yes, it would be cheating. Because we are "emotionally attached".

:) :) :) :) :)

Also, hand holding... in the day time(!)... without me initiating anything(!)

Note to self: it is extremely comfortable talking when your head is in his lap.

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Seven

2011-08-18T22:00:00.002+12:00

TOMORROW!!!

(actually, my mother has successfully put a damper on my excitement because she is making my life difficult).

So now I'm just so... -_- (if you'll forgive the use of such a fresh emoticon).

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Six

2011-08-17T23:25:00.000+12:00

Two more sleeps!!!

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Five

2011-08-16T22:39:00.006+12:00

THREE!

Come on, rain! Melt away the snow... just so the roads aren't icy and what not.

postscript: it is super super super fun twirling in a pretty dress when it is raining outside and you have Taylor Swift's 'Enchanted' playing in the background.
Just saying...

postscript 2: this is my newest purchase/birthday present from E. . you like?

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Four

2011-08-15T20:56:00.002+12:00

FOUR FOUR FOUR FOUR FOUR!

Also, note to self for when I try to organise something when I'm older: never try to have a birthday at the same time as graduation. Or at a place that demands that for group reservations exceeding 10 people, each person must pay $27 for a set menu.

*ALSO MUST REMEMBER BEEF - someone can't eat beef!!! (to tell Etrusco)

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Three

2011-08-14T20:05:00.001+12:00

It's snowing! I should hate it because it's probably going to cause my lectures to get rescheduled, but it's so hard to hate something that looks so pretty.

FIVE!

Day Two Hundred and Seventy Two

2011-08-13T22:09:00.000+12:00

Today I used my new toothpaste (which contains microcrystals). It sounded like it was snowing in my mouth.

Pretty swell, eh.

6 DAYS.

Day Two Hundred and Seventy One

2011-08-13T00:37:00.001+12:00

One week!!!

Please please please don't snow... I can't do rescheduled lectures and workshops... Especially ones on Friday afternoon. More importantly, I can't have the roads iced over and what not.

Day Two Hundred and Seventy

2011-08-11T20:13:00.002+12:00

If I were to pluck on your heartstrings, would you strum on mine?

<3 Owl City! :) The lyrics are always so poetic, yet simple.

8 days left!

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Nine

2011-08-10T22:36:00.001+12:00

9 more days!

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Eight

2011-08-09T18:32:00.001+12:00

THANK YOU, GOD.

Day Two Hundred and Sixty Seven

2011-08-08T22:15:00.001+12:00

Despair, I despair.

11 days to go.