#octoberten

I have come to the realisation that I am happy. And my happiness should not depend upon your demise because I am happy. I am happy with where things are and I am happy with how things are going. My happiness is not dependent on your misery, nor should it be.

I could call you out - but then I realise that it would make me a hypocrite. My only defence was that we were friends. But you know, friends or not - to tell someone else's boyfriend that you like them is wrong regardless. And I of all people, should know that I am not innocent.

So.

Whether or not you read this - I wish you well.

#icouldgetusedtothis

Had a horrendously busy day at work (and even managed to dispense a Rx written by E. which was very amusing because I didn't even realise until I started to put the script through - despite me holding on to the script for eons and calling up another pharmacy regarding it).

Anyway, I came home to a steaming bowl of curry udon and a glass of pinot gris.

E., you're the best.

#housewife

Yesterday was the first evening since E. and I had moved in together that our respective schedules had an opening. Cue pinot gris and a semi dance party to Backstreet Boys.

Made pancakes and gingerbread banana scones this evening while E. is on long day in preparation for breakfast tomorrow.

Life is good.

#twomoreweeks

I can't believe that it's only two more weeks until E. and I are living together, in the same city for the first time in five years.

Also, E. is very obliging when he is sleep deprived because we are now the owners of a DeLonghi espresso machine. Win.

#nesting

I have given up spending money on clothes and have turned my attention to household furniture. The battle is currently trying to suppress my natural urges and splurge because I have a student budget. But E. has been quite accommodating and has agreed to buy some Nordic style chairs. It's such a strange concept negotiating with someone over spending money. That is not your own.

#awkwardmoments

I had to ring up a patient yesterday to organise a time that my classmate and I could go and visit to interview.
Patient: So, will it be just yourself coming?
Me: Oh, no. My partner will be coming too.

J: *snickers* So I am your partner now?
Me: elbows J

Patient: Partner... as in life partner or work?
Me: Oh, no - as in my work partner

J is laughing his head off, completely in earshot of the patient who is still on the phone.

#wholeheartedly

It happened here, and now in the US - and now, my Facebook is covered by rainbows. I suppose for too long I didn't really have a stance as such, possibly because I simply tried not to engage myself in the matter. But the reality is that I do need to make a stand and state what I believe in.

http://careynieuwhof.com/2015/06/some-advice-on-same-sex-marriage-for-us-church-leaders-from-a-canadian/

I wholeheartedly agree with all the points highlighted by this pastor. For those who want a quick summary:

1. The church has always been counter-cultural: this makes absolute sense because we were called to be in the world, but not of it.
2. It's actually strange to to ask non-Christians to hold Christian values
3. Let's face it... we're been dealing with sex outside of traditional marriage for a long time: both Christians and non-Christians: just because it's homosexual doesn't mean it is any worse than heterosexual sex outside marriage. This also applies to any other sin mentioned by the Bible
4. The early church never looked to the government for guidance. Again as point 1.
5. Judgement of LGBT people is destroying any potential relationship.

So let us stop pointing the finger, using derogatory terms and crying that the world will end. Let us ask God for grace and wisdom as to how to approach the situation that best illustrates God's love and yet, His righteousness.

#finally

It's taken us five years...


but we're finally making gains. Talk about timing - I honestly think God had His hand on this all.

#ihavefoundit

My ring comes in rose gold.




I don't know why I should be excited (given that engagement is not on the cards for at least two years), but I am immensely excited.

Now I am going to have mega FOMO.

#throwback

E. and I were talking on the phone a few nights ago and he was telling me about how the barista at the hospital knows his order off by heart - one morning, another doctor volunteered to go on a coffee run for the team and when she asked E. what he wanted, he was like "Oh, just tell the barista whatever E. normally gets - she'll know what it is".

I told him that I did not expect a skater shoe, jeans wearing eighteen year old E. to turn into a long black drinking hipster.

This is a perfect example of investing in something and reaping massive interest.



Side note: it's only been the second week of public health and I hate medicine.

#justanothernote

I think I may have found my aisle song: Hunger - Ross Copperman.

Of course, this has nothing to do with the heartbreaking scene between Damon and Elena in the season finale of season 6. By the way Shonda Rhimes, that is how you write a character off a show.

In other news, it has been five days into our public health run and I have learnt only one thing: that it is possible to hate public health more than I originally did. In fact, I kind of just want to run off into the sunset with half my medical degree complete.

I actually spent the entire day today writing my ethics essay and it's a sad day when I would much rather be doing ethics than medicine. Sidebar - my ethics essay kicks ass. I have to give credit to Dr. B for choosing such a poignant book for the class to read and discuss - for all disillusioned medical students who don't think true (and unforced) cultural competency is a thing (especially in New Zealand), I would recommend reading The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman. It will challenge your view.


Side note: I think I'm almost ready. For the first time in years, I think I might be finally okay. And you have no idea how liberating it is to simply no longer give a single fuck. Almost.

#whatwecallmedschool

Observing a colonoscopy today and thought that the colonic mucosa looked a bit like a cinnamon scroll.

I am craving cinnamon scrolls now.

#heybigspender

I should probably admit that I have a Karen Walker obsession problem. I now own three items - a top and two dresses with exactly the same print.

I should probably stop spending and I don't know...

... start saving for my wedding?

#bbuzz

So I discovered that I am not alone and that several of my female classmates also have similar unrequited crushes on said neurology consultant. Yesterday (just as we had finished the conversation about him), we wandered down to the cafe to get coffee, lo and behold, he was standing there talking away to another doctor. When we went up to order, he actually stopped his conversation and acknowledged us as "his students".

B buzz indeed. We have coined a new phrase.

#feelinggood

Yesterday, I had to use my Cantonese in a consultation - albeit a painful one, but at least I was semi-useful to the cute neurologist. Today, got a provisional diagnosis right when said neurologist asked what I thought could be wrong with the patient. As my (male) partner said quite drily when I told him about my crush on said neurologist, "You're only into consultants because of the power and money. Oh, and the intelligence."

Ah, hospital life. So much eye candy.

Also, got to watch two (successful) ERCPs and a lipoma removal. Life is good.

#lastday

Took bloods off a gentleman who went as far to say that he didn't feel a thing. And at the risk of sounding like a complete douchebag, the stethoscope with all its weight hanging around my neck (which I suppose feels like a millstone of responsibility to the qualified) feels oh so right. Also, it keeps me exempt from toileting patients. Which is a plus.

I didn't want it to be my last day on the wards. Being a medical student is the tops.

#thisisawesome

Did a cannula. And a patient for the first time said 'dromedary' as an answer for one of the MOCA questions.

Life is good.

#wail

Why, why, why Walker and Hall? WHERE IS THE ROSE GOLD?! I want the rose gold :(

#ALM

There are some days that I love being a medical student. Today was one such day. It makes the drudgery of ELM worth it.

I don't want next week to be my last week on the ward with this team.

#sexism

Ah, first day on the wards and within an hour, I get called as a nurse by a patient, even though I've been introduced to him as a medical student.

#thoughts

Ah, when did we all start striving towards mediocrity? I suppose there will always be the ones amongst us who are shooting stars, while the rest of us are content to sit in the background to make up the tapestry of night. Pride is a sin. But when is laziness a sin too? And what is true happiness? Is it being content with just enough?

Stupid A. Stupid, stupid A.

And medicine! You shatter such illusions. I don't know how they manage to do it, but they've taken a group of potentially bright individuals and haphazardly smooshed (I actually can't think of a better word) us together and so by the end, they end up churning out mediocre doctors who are satisfied with 'just enough'. Why would anyone bother trying when there's simply no point in trying?

Maybe it's four weeks of ACS talking, maybe it's the medical school here. But I have lost the love. Here's hoping that starting my first clinical attachment will cure me.

Note to self

1. A is to be the MC

2. Have all the bridal party play cardboard cutout instruments while we sing our first song (instead of doing our first dance because E and I cannot dance to save our lives).

(these were two important points that E and I hashed out during our three hour dinner at Sidart - which by the way, was delicious).

#eightmonths

I don't understand how normal women go through this once a month. Because after eight long months, I finally have my period. 

And boy, does it suck.

I've forgotten what it feels like to be bloated and have aching breasts because of fluid retention. And the cramps! dfhjdfhjdfgjhdfg grosssssss. 

Thankfully, this should be over by Saturday when we're at S and R's wedding. And I won't have it while I'm with E's parents. So in the light of all this, I suppose this is all good news. Except now, my mother will actually force feed me because I only just told her yesterday that I've put weight on and so now, she will actually make sure that I do not dive below my current weight because she is already obsessed with my weight and will only see this as a sign that my weight loss was the main factor in my amenorrhoea. Which sucks because I currently feel like a fat whale. 

#endofanera

It was my last day at work today - and potentially the last day I work as a pharmacist. It's such an odd feeling - I've been looking forward to this day for well, ten weeks now. Not because I hate my workplace - no, far from that. I leapt into work straight away after exams and I'm just looking forward to a proper break.

Anyway, it was a good day to finish on - busy enough to be occupied, but not frantic. And no annoying scripts to figure out or call doctors up about. I got to say goodbye to a few special people who came in, but this - this tops the cake:

During my intern year, I had to do this massive assignment where I had to go and interview a patient about their regular medicines and see if there was any issues and what improvements I could suggest with regards to their current regimen. I saw this lady and spent three hours at her place chatting away to her (this was when I was still fairly frightened of patients and before I learnt how to politely extract myself). So, since then I hadn't seen her and that was that. But today of all days, she comes in with a query about an injury she sustained and out of the three pharmacists that could've gone out to see her, the shop girl came and asked me. Of course, the lady didn't recognise me when I went out because it was nearly three years ago that I talked to her, but honestly, it was such a strange moment. It was like God was like, "Oh hey - this is the proper way to close this particular chapter in your life".

It could not have been a more apt ending.