#faith

I'm going to back to university tomorrow and I'm glad for the first time that it will be the last time that I will need to say goodbye to my parents for another few months because their home will be my home once more. And while I can't deny the benefits of staying at home again, such as warmth, food and unlimited use of the espresso maker (which is what my classmates think), I know the real reason for me is the fact that I'll be able to be around, if they need me.

Every time I come back home, it gets harder for me to leave them. I feel like they've been cheated out of their golden years and I see how hard life is for them and sometimes, I am surprised that they are able to handle what life has allotted to them - and then I know, it is only possible through the grace of God. I feel so helpless in the face of it all - my mere presence is not going to solve the problem of my mother's clotting disorder, nor is it going to help the fact that my brother is getting increasingly hard to handle as he grows older and stronger. It is only through the knowledge that I am so little, so weak that I know that I need God - that I need him to be, why I need to believe. To have that knowledge that everything is within His hands and that as much as I may worry over my family with much futility, that He is in control.

I am such a little shit - and I take both God and my parents for granted. I will admit that I am not a model Christian and I do not spend nearly enough time on daily devotions. But a little example of how He works, despite us being the most ungrateful wretches to walk this earth:

So, my sister and I returned from university for the holidays but we only crossover at home for three days because I start the second half of my semester much sooner. Dad had taken leave from work for two of those days because it would be nice to go out and have a meal together, seeing as it was such a rare opportunity to have both of us home at the same time. So we had planned to go somewhere nice on Tuesday to eat out. Alas, Monday night, Mum started getting a temperature and bony aches, which meant that Tuesday's excursion was off the cards with what looked like to be the onset of the flu. I was concerned because:
a) when Mum gets sick, she generally takes it harder than most people because she is already weaker and she's just so busy running around all of us
b) I'm a selfish shit and I had been looking forwards to eating out (naturally, Mum was like "Oh you should go out without me with your father", but obviously that would be rude, so I was trying to be the bigger person and was like "Oh, no - we'll stay at home with you" whilst trying to hide my disappointment)
c) again, because I am a selfish shit, I did not want to get sick right before seeing E. on Thursday

I said that we were all selfish wretches. I am definitely not exempt from this.

Anyway, Monday night - Mum took two tablets of paracetamol and slept. I prayed earnestly and admitted that while yes, lunch out would be nice, ultimately I really wanted Mum to be well because she's already got enough to deal with.
I woke Tuesday morning not really hoping for much, but to my surprise, Mum was fine. She had no temperature and was her usual self. Now, I know that the paracetamol helped (given my background, of course I love my medicines) - but it was a single dose that she took at 9pm the night before. And I honestly thought it was going to be the flu because she had all the herald symptoms. But no flu. No temperature. And yes to lunch out with my family.

It's these little things that God does, that reminds me that He's still looking out for my family.

#somethingsneverchange

it's like dark period in my life and try as i might (and regardless of how happy i may be), i simply cannot move past it. it takes a lot of energy to hold onto such anger and resentment and sometimes, i just want to let go. or go in the complete opposite direction. but there's always a part of me thinking "what if?" - what if i let it go and before you know it, it'll happen again? 

#twentyfour

I am twenty four. And despite saying it over and over again, it doesn't seem like I am twenty four. I still feel like my seventeen year old self but that being said, I definitely realise the difference that four years makes when it comes to my peers. I say this with much harrumph and the full knowledge that I too, was once as frightened and shy as they were.

Let me explain.

So, we just finished a four day community placement and pretty much had free rein over various interactions and interviews with agencies around the community. Being a control freak and anally retentive, I had prepared for the week before leaving by researching each agency we were visiting and also planned my bus route because we were told that internet access was not a given. NO ONE ELSE HAD DONE SO. Which meant that I had several panicky undergrads who were too frightened to catch a bus in a foreign city and would rather walk for forty five minutes instead of catching a ten minute bus. A FORTY FIVE MINUTE walk. I also had undergrads falling asleep in community visits which I found unbelievably rude. Amongst other things which I will refrain from mentioning.

I finally understand why
a) undergrads find mature students so annoying
b) why post grads look down on undergrads so much
I would much rather my life experience than being a graduated doctor now. I look back and realise how much I appreciate my background because I know that I would've been just like them and it isn't their fault that they lack that maturity and life experience because they haven't had the (mis)fortune of well, life. I also discovered that I would much rather hang out by myself than be stuck talking about inane things - sometimes, being alone amongst one's thoughts is much preferable. And while I make no claim to wanting intellectual conversation (because I am pretty apathetic when it comes to things like politics), I think I've moved on from the days where we're all dying to talk about the different things we're wanting to experiment with. And I don't really give a shit if my conservative ways seem uncool to you all because frankly, I don't actually care what you think.

So I spent my twenty fourth birthday with my parents in a pretty low key manner. But low key is good for me because let's face it - turns out I'm embracing my old age pretty wholeheartedly.

#fiveandahalf

And darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70,
and baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23.

E: "So since we're going to be together forever, I'm thinking we should start celebrating every five years instead."

Typical E.

#patientman

E. is a patient man and I am lucky that he so chill that nothing seems to perturb him, while I have the tendency to get worked up over the slightest things. If he was as highly strung *coughanallyretentive as I am, we would probably go down in a spectacular ball of flames - but probably after we achieved something great together because our productivity would be through the roof. But fortunately, he just seems to ooze calmness.

I spent the majority of this weekend away eating until I felt physically ill and being irritated that I couldn't achieve the things that I wanted to - namely, see places in Auckland that I had heard about. Given that we were only up for two days - and we had an engagement party to go to (which was the reason why we were visiting), I thought that it would be okay to leave things unplanned and do things ad lib. Wrong. Turns out I get distressed fairly easily when I am unable to foresee everything because I am anal. If I had a super power, it would be meticulous planning. To-do-lists are my best friend and I plan everything - from the meals that I eat to what I am going to do, down to the minute. While that makes me efficient at using my time, it also means that uncertainty makes me incredibly irritated. This combined with hunger (well, cravings for all the food around me) and a lack of sleep made me the worst travel companion of all time. But fortunately for me, E. seems to find this all very amusing.

This weekend wasn't horrible though - as much as I make it out to be. It was still a lovely weekend with E. and his parents - I just feel slightly guilty in the aftermath that I did not make it as pleasant as it could have been. Things to check out for next time:
- Clooney
- Moustache cookie bar
- Food court (on Queen St on the street behind the department store)
- Auckland museum
- meatballs at Baduzzi (their Restaurant month deal was slightly disappointing, tbh)