Day Hundred and Five AND Hundred and Six

So he wasn't there to meet me. But he did eat dinner with me, amongst other things :)
It's odd. I wasn't expecting to see him when I got back and I knew it would be hard coming back because everything here reminds me of him. And it was difficult when I arrived. It was difficult waiting for him to text me to tell me that he wanted to meet up. But now looking back, I wish I could go back to that instant again, when we were sitting on the opposite sides of my room and he just asked for a hug. And then the hug... and then that kiss. And then the affirmation that he still felt the very, very same way as he did, a hundred and six days ago. But now I need to put my emotions back into that little box that I had crammed them into during the holidays. Not because I don't want to think about him. But because that's the only way I'm going to be able to function.

Day Hundred and Four

Reality check for myself: please do remember that you are no longer going out. Therefore do not daydream of a joyful reunion when you enter the arrivals part. In fact, you will be lucky enough if he is standing there. In fact, you will think it lucky if he even considers texting you to meet up.

Hope burns eternal,
but it scars my heart
and leaves my soul
charred and black.

Day Hundred and Three

Saturday, Saturday, my heart.

Day Hundred and Two

He IS coming home!

He may even be there to pick me up from the airport when I arrive.



:)

Day Hundred and One

My heart is in Christchurch.
Come back home to Dunedin.

Day Hundred

April, you are so far away.

Day Ninety Nine

He called me!
I had resigned myself to not talking to him for awhile... and then he calls me when he has a spare moment (i.e. when he's walking back home from the hospital late at night).
And despite your efforts to downplay it, I still feel very, very special.



:) :) :)

Day Ninety Eight

Today old men stared at me when I was trying on shoes and said that I was Cinderella. That was disturbing. That aside, my contacts are in and I have a massive ache in the head.

postscript.
he says he feels like he owes it to me to talk to me. I don't know if that's just his way of saying that he wants to talk to me... just as badly as I want to talk to him.

I am satisfied and yet, I feel bad because he shouldn't feel so pressured... he's a busy man, after all.

Day Ninety Seven

Even a no-reply from you (although I know it's probably because you're busy running after your consultant) can't ruin today for me. Last day at my summer job. Dramatic, but memorable. And surprisingly, I find myself feeling sad over the things that I used to detest. Like three page long imprest lists. Or even just going into the fridge. Or even going to the smelly hospital dock to take out the pharmacy trash. The daily trivia quiz that all the pharmacy assistants do together and the trouble we go to to try and get 100% each time. The daily coffee break that my friend and I take... so much so, that the cafe barista automatically knows our orders and calls us the 'mocha girls'. The charming ginga that works at said cafe who likes to engage in a chat every time he sees me. The morbid thrill that runs down my spine whenever I see a 'body trolley' or even hear metal wheels coming out of the morgue lift. The cleaner that likes to pretend to block the corridor every time I'm doing a delivery to the cancer centre. The orderly that always asks me "So, where's yer trolley today?". The somewhat cute attractive Asian receptionist working at the Eye Outpatients who might've/might not have asked for my name today and I stuttered something unintelligible in return. Checking the tea room for bake-off. Discretely checking out the intern who happens to be a giant ass at the same time. Even having someone walk into the toilet on you because you've neglected to lock the second lock on the door. Pumpkin soup at MedSchool cafe. Chicken Gumbo at Wishbone cafe. Sushi across the road.

So today. Just for future reference when he does want to talk.
- cutting my friend's hair on our tea break
- going out to a Turkish restaurant for dinner with my girls and eating so much good food
- the fridgeintoarm incident --> incident report filed
- harry potter's huge mid chest gash which we cleverly filled with a piece of corrugated cardboard so it looks like he's holding a book
- discovering that my flatmate also interviewed for my position
- discovering that the really mean pharmacist that made me almost cry on my second week was the one who picked me for the position
- finding out that one of the assistants thought I was a smartypants from first impression
- back hair
- said person's hate of the fridgeintoarm incident victim because said person asked for the music to be turned down
- the pharmacy's assistant comment about fat people being eaten first if the pharmacy was in a lock down and how he would not be the first one to tell said person
- intern being decent today!
- the epic elaborate plot to take what I've always wanted on the first day as pajamas
- the generous gift from the pharmacy department as a thank you
- stalking my friend's boyfriend on facebook and how he really does not look like what I expected
- books in brown paper bags

Day Ninety Six

What am I to you now? It's so... undefined. But how do you feel about me now? We are neither a couple or just friends.
We're something indefinable.
Something wrong.

Day Ninety Five

Not talking is the hardest thing. Hoping that he notices the silence and misses you is even worse.

Day Ninety Four

The worst part is knowing that you still care infinitely times more than he does. Knowing that he can move on whenever he likes and you're stuck, waiting for him to finally tell you (or finally find out) that he's already fallen for someone else. And as much as you try to move on, you know that you'll always end up waiting, like you always do, until he decides to move on first. Because until that day happens, you'll still care for him like you did ninety four days ago.

Day Ninety Three

I should hate today, of all days because today would've been an anniversary. I suppose I have always hated this day, even when I was dating. But it saves me hating two days.
Despite this, my valentines day was still made... as long as I don't assume or think into his text too much and think that I wasn't the only one who got one from him.

Day Ninety Two

Saturday night is oh so far away. But it's nice to know that he still likes talking to me.

Day Ninety One

When someone asks you if you know yourself, you can't give the real answer. You can only sit there and wonder who you really are. We're multi-faceted individuals, consisting of different bits and bobs that we've collected over the years. We behave differently around different people, a little like chameleons. I say this because I find myself needing to reinvent myself.
For the last two years, I have built myself to be the ideal girlfriend for him. I took on computer games, liked the bands that he introduced me too, watched television programmes that he liked or suggested. I started using the same words and mannerisms as him. It's not a bad thing and I am in no way complaining because I like the fact that I can appreciate computer games, or that I am now into House MD, or the fact that I can now name each singer of the Backstreet Boys by recognising their voices. The question is, out of all the things and mannerisms that I've picked up, what do I keep? What do I throw out?

Day Ninety

Patience and logic are all I need.

Day Eighty Nine

You can only wish that the borders of a tumour are well demarcated because that gives you the best chances of survival. But in reality, the edges are smudged in malignancy.

Sometimes, it feels like I can't make it through without hearing from him at least once. Some residual thing, I suppose, because I'm used to talking to him every day. I know I have no right to ask him to say just anything to me because he doesn't need to think about me any more, he doesn't need to worry about me any more.
I don't beg. As much as I want to. But I know that if I do beg, I will hate myself in the morning. Resolves weakens in the evening and I've been sitting, wishing that I could hear from him.

You know that something is up when you don't look forward to anything because you're just trying to make it through, one day at a time.

Day Eighty Eighty

Sometimes I wonder if you're thinking of me too.
If you're missing me too.
If it feels like there's a hole in your heart too.

Day Eighty Six and Seven

To win the war, you must be stealthy and learn how to sabotage the enemy before she realises that the game is up. Or simply confront her to tell her to back the hell off. Or just wait before she loses the war herself.

On another note, I have decided that I need to remind myself that I should only give as much as I get back from him. And if I am now on par with other friends, then there are some things which he will no longer have the privilege of getting. And so, it's like a dance. He takes one step, and so will I. In other words, if he is offering cuddles to someone else, I will be very, very annoyed.

Day Eighty Four and Five

You seem really keen to see me again in April. I guess only time will tell if we still feel this way in a month's time. At the same time, it's nice to know that you still miss me being in the same bed, still wish that we were still spooning, still willing to don on a shirt and take me out to dinner,

Day Eighty Two and Three

You say one thing, but act another.

Day Eighty One

You and me
we used together.
Everyday together, always.
I really feel that I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe this could be the end.
It looks as though you're letting go
and if it's real,
well
I don't want to know.

- No Doubt 'Don't Speak'.

i refuse to sit there and feel sorry for myself.

Day Eighty

I feel like a parasite, so dependent on him and yet, he doesn't really seem to notice. I sit there and wish that he'd talk to me, or even just say one word. It pains me to know that he just doesn't really want to talk and that he's not going to start talking to me about random stuff like he used to, because that's not what he has to do now.
I get upset and can't even tell him because he doesn't need to know that I'm still so dependent on hearing from him. He's moving on and I don't want to stand in his way.